Tuesday, June 30, 2009

10 Years

Written to me....

You caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. The snow fell around me continuing to cover the white streets as I walked deep in thought. Everything was moving around me as I walked, but I had to double take in your direction because you were the only thing in my immediate world that wasn't moving. I looked up just in time to see you crack a smile. Your eyes lit up like you'd just seen a deer in the middle of the urban streets. Why were you just standing there? I slowed my pace and looked back to the ground to recompose attention to the matter at hand, but I couldn't refocus knowing you were standing there watching me. I looked again and there you were - gloved hands with fingers interlaced; brown hair wet from the snow under a woven, red beanie. Anyone in your situation would be freezing, but oddly you looked warm; comfortable. I stopped. Staring at the ground, I slowly turned my head in your direction. As my head turned, my eyes cheated glimpses of you out the corner of my eye. I could see your smile growing with every click of my neck towards you. Those eyes burned with playfulness and flirtation. I'd seen you before; like, a ghost. It couldn't be...but it was. 10 years had passed since I'd fallen in love with you. 10 lonely years of women who never lived up to the expectations you set. My look of curiosity turned into one of disdain. You'd promised me the world and shown me glimpses of it, but never made good on your promises to follow through. I cautiously walked up to you as the snowfall around us slowed to a drizzle. "I never thought I'd see you again," I said coarsely. "I always knew I'd see you again," you said ruefully. You stood there with snow on your shoulders and head, looking beautiful as always but I discounted that. "Why are you here?" I asked. "Does it matter?" you retorted playfully. Your smile had changed to mild concern, but a grin was creeping across your face as if you knew something I didn't. "What are you grinning about?" I asked with a slight chuckle. You showed your teeth with a huge smile and followed, "I know something." "What?" You were always one for the dramatic, so your eyes looked out into the distance over my shoulder, then slowly down my head, through my eyes, down to the ground and finally to your soaked shoes. Your head rose slowly and your eyelids opened like they were rusted - those telling eyes opening, staring deep into mine. Right then, I knew what you were going to say. You didn't even have to say it. And, you were right....I was still in with love you. "Don't," I held firmly. Your lower lip curled and you bit it with your upper teeth. You were nervously scrambling with those eyes trying to read why I stopped you. This was your moment. You'd finally come back to me. You'd finally finished your business and came to be by my side. After all this time and effort was I really going to send you home? I watched your mind race as you tried to comprehend your plan going so sideways. "I'm going to stay no matter what. You can't make me leave." Your insecurities from 10 years prior that kept you from me were suddenly infecting you with questions about your ability to stay in a city with the man you love and not be able to be with him. I took a step back away from you. You knew I had broken free from your spell and fear was gripping you. Your plan was falling apart. You'd waited so long and travelled so far and planned so acutely. He's a romantic! How is he not completely enraptured by all of this? You questioned yourself, teary-eyed. "Yes, I'm still in love with you; but, my life is not what it once was. I'm not who I used to be," I proclaimed sternly. You backed down. You let me get the best of you. The silence was mortifying. 10 years of wanting, needing, and hoping were being thrown out like yesterdays trash. 10 years of devoting your heart to me was being ripped from your chest; faith stolen from your soul. The snow stopped. The streets were quiet, painted white - no place for cars to drive. I tilted my head to one side to see your puzzled face starting to give up. Tears were forming in the corners of your eyes. "I just couldn't wait any longer," I told you peacefully. "All I wanted was to be loved by someone who loves me. This is what I used to tell you. I guess I should've added that I needed that person to be here by my side every night and not 2000 miles away. It's incredible that you're here and you look amazing, but I can't allow myself to love you." You looked away in disbelief that I couldn't wait for you. It was only 10 years! What's 10 years in the scope of a lifetime? It took 34 years to connect originally and now I was going to let 10 years deny us eternal love? You gathered your emotions. You summoned your strength and mustered the courage to look me dead in the eye...."No." Your lips were pursed tightly and you began to shake. We hadn't noticed the snow beginning to fall again. "You LOVE me," you said vehemently. "You can't stop that. You can't control that." You spoke in a slow shaking voice ensuring I understood every word coming out of your mouth. "You are not going to fight me on this. This is not a negotiation. You will spend the rest of your life with me because you love me, we are perfect for each other, we need each other and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow you to keep me away from you - the man of my dreams; my knight in shining armor; my prince." That warm comfortable look evaporated and all the heat you felt watching me walk past you had changed to cold. You shivered as your voice fluctuated. The snow fell harder. I looked at you with a slight grin, my eyes shooting fire into yours. Time crawled as seconds turned into days. I had so much to say, but was at a loss for words. "I love you. I've never stopped. I never will," you said. "I know," I replied. I reached my hands into my pockets buying time to muster the words, "Go home." Your facial expression made it clear you were determined to stay, but my words were like knives slashing the emotions across your face. "Okay, but before I go, tell me something. What were you in such deep thought about when you first saw me tonight?" I looked away from you scrambling for an answer other than the truth. You turned your head slightly, looking at me out the corner of your eye. I stalled by drawing lines in the snow with my shoes. The snow was reaming down fast refilling the divots I was making. I didn't want to tell you my thoughts. I didn't want you to know. You grabbed my arm in a last ditch effort to know the truth. "Tell me. I just want to know what it is that runs through your head that still keeps you up at night. You always had something, but 10 years have passed so I just want to know what in the world you still think about so intently." I looked at your gloved hand locked on my arm. My eyelids angled down, opened up to see you. "Tell me," you whispered. The snow pounded around us. Inches were piling around us. You locked in on me, waiting anxiously to here who had stolen my heart or who had broken my heart or....your insecurities streamed countless ideas through your head when finally the words you least expected to hear at that moment fell from my mouth like an anvil...."You always seem to know when I'm thinking of you...and, there you were." The blood ran back into your face. Your soul, dumbfounded, screamed joyously as it viewed heaven once again. You saw me grimace conceding to love; giving in to the powerful force that never let me stop loving you. You stepped closer to me, staring into my eyes. That huge smile crossed my face fully acknowledging that you were right. You smiled and I stooped down to kiss you. Our lips embraced like we'd been apart not 10 years, but 10 minutes. We'd picked up right where we left off without skipping a beat. Your lips separated from mine and I watched your eyes fill with passion and love. That wild look of unrelenting love was splashed across your face. My spirit lifted with a joy I'd not felt in a decade. Your lips parted to release, "I always knew you were my first and only true love." My eyes dove deep into your soul and replied, "And, I always knew you were my last."


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