I was written a letter by someone who read my blog and it deeply touched me. It touched me in such a way that I actually carry it with me. I choke back tears every single time I read it. I want to share it with you, perhaps in some sort of way, it can encourage you.
Honest. Tough to deal with on many levels...not because of the infidelity (I understand your need to be close to someone). Difficult from the perspective that you found every reason to be happy and yet you were completely miserable. That can lead to harsh questions about yourself and the path that your life is taking and that, alone can raise doubts that are hard to dismiss. I can tell that the affair was hard on your estimate of yourself. Guilt is what you feel when you think someone should be looking. It's the little governor within that keeps us between the lines and often in our own private hell. But for all its moral outrage and self recriminations Guilt is not Truth, it is a judgement we make about our behavior in the absence of others. A kind of place holder judgement for when our courage will allow us to discover the truth. It has nothing to do with the reality of the situation and the truth about how you really feel.
I have no doubt that you loved your ex-husband with every fiber of your being. I have no doubt that somewhere along the line the love you shared was not enough to sustain you...for whatever the reason...and your choices cascaded from that sense of lack between you...THE LACK WAS NOT IN YOU...but between you. The hard part to accept is that maybe that lack would have turned to sufficiency with time, or with a word or with an act of faith and courage. That is not knowable. That grief will lay fresh within until time dulls the sharp wound to an ache. That ache will be the reminder that you have loved and lost. Nothing more, nothing less. Grieve for the love you lost and shed all the tears you can muster but Forgive yourself...You did nothing wrong. It failed to work out long before the affair. And that's okay.
Honest. Tough to deal with on many levels...not because of the infidelity (I understand your need to be close to someone). Difficult from the perspective that you found every reason to be happy and yet you were completely miserable. That can lead to harsh questions about yourself and the path that your life is taking and that, alone can raise doubts that are hard to dismiss. I can tell that the affair was hard on your estimate of yourself. Guilt is what you feel when you think someone should be looking. It's the little governor within that keeps us between the lines and often in our own private hell. But for all its moral outrage and self recriminations Guilt is not Truth, it is a judgement we make about our behavior in the absence of others. A kind of place holder judgement for when our courage will allow us to discover the truth. It has nothing to do with the reality of the situation and the truth about how you really feel.
I have no doubt that you loved your ex-husband with every fiber of your being. I have no doubt that somewhere along the line the love you shared was not enough to sustain you...for whatever the reason...and your choices cascaded from that sense of lack between you...THE LACK WAS NOT IN YOU...but between you. The hard part to accept is that maybe that lack would have turned to sufficiency with time, or with a word or with an act of faith and courage. That is not knowable. That grief will lay fresh within until time dulls the sharp wound to an ache. That ache will be the reminder that you have loved and lost. Nothing more, nothing less. Grieve for the love you lost and shed all the tears you can muster but Forgive yourself...You did nothing wrong. It failed to work out long before the affair. And that's okay.
"You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you've lost them forever."
Wayne Dyer
Author and Speaker
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