It hurts to breathe...I can't breathe!...it's hot, I'm sweating...it hurts so bad...I can't breathe....someone help!!!...PLEASE!!!! someone help me...where is everybody...I can't breathe...I think i am going to die...i think I'm going to throw up...mom, help me...I can't breathe...it hurts....then it all went dark.
Hey, I thought there was suppose to be a light that you see when you die. Where is it? Oh my gosh...did I go to Hell? Think, Terri, think...you're barely 16, what in the hell have you done in your 16 short years to end up in hell? Was it all those times I thought bad thoughts about my parents when I got into trouble? Was it the times I was mean to my brother? He's older and deserved it..he started it anyway. Why am I not hovering over my body? Is that all just a sham? Do people talk about their near death experience to make us feel better about the ones we have lost? Obviously they make it all up... Where is the angel of death? I died people...I stopped breathing..everything went black...does no one care about my death? Maybe everyone is busy...OK I will wait... I can't believe I died...It was awful...I couldn't breathe. I fought..I fought hard. I realized the more I struggled the harder it was to breathe, the pain sank in more...I'm a quitter...I always thought myself to be a fighter...I'm not, obviously..I gave up, I quit fighting and I stopped breathing. I felt an uncontrollable amount of pain, and then everything went black....
Where did it go wrong?
I remember sitting on the couch...I remember talking to Kevin...I remember thinking things didn't seem right...Why was he there? He ended things with me 2 weeks ago because I wouldn't sleep with him. How did you know my mom would be away for the evening? I only told one person because she wanted to rehearse our duet acting scene for competition...I told her I couldn't because I had to babysit my sister while my mom went to Les Miserables. Why is he here? He shouldn't be in here. I will get into trouble if my mom knew he was here. It's just Kevin. We're not dating anymore. He said he wasn't staying long..he just wanted to talk...Said he missed me...He hurt me when he broke my heart, I'll listen to what he has to say..maybe it will make my heart feel better.
Something doesn't feel right. I'm not taking him back. I don't care if he begs...he's a stupid boy.
I remember sitting on the couch and he sat in the other chair. I remember him telling me he misses me, how much he loves me, how much I make him laugh and that's his favorite thing about me. Aw, how sweet. Stop it! You're not taking him back! Why did he come at me? It happened so fast. He came at me quick and hard. I didn't have time to react, I didn't have time to move, I didn't...
I remember the shove was so hard I fell back and hit my head on the arm of the couch. The arm was hard. It hurt my head and snapped my neck back. Dazed and confused...I shook it off, but before I could come to my senses I remember the massive weight on my chest...Kevin, why is your knee in my chest? Are you trying to help me? Why is all your weight on my chest? Don't you know it hurts and it's hard to breathe? Why are you grabbing my wrists and holding them so tightly? What the HELL is going on? Somebody help me. My head is throbbing. Let me sit up, get me some water, maybe some Tylenol? Kevin, please help me. I thought you were a baseball player...you're being clumsy right now. Why do you keep hurting me while you try to help me? I am so dazed still...As soon I shake this throbbing in my head, I can sit up and figure this out...I am having a hard time breathing now that this pillow is covering my face...I turn my head to the side..there's air over here, but this intense pain shoots through my neck to turn it that way. I don't care...what the hell is happening to me???? Kevin, I am screaming your name, why are you telling me to shut the fuck up? You just said you loved me, you missed me...and holy crap what is that and why does it hurt like hell? "I will get what I came for" is what I remember you saying. This is where I stop breathing...I realize now that you are inside of me and the pain from everything is blindingly numb...I stop breathing and I can't fight anymore...my arms feel like 100 lbs each, I can't lift them, I can't move, I have this sick feeling in my stomach, I can't do anything, then it goes dark...this is where I died...
Hey, I thought there was suppose to be a light that you see when you die. Where is it? Oh my gosh...did I go to Hell? Think, Terri, think...you're barely 16, what in the hell have you done in your 16 short years to end up in hell? Was it all those times I thought bad thoughts about my parents when I got into trouble? Was it the times I was mean to my brother? He's older and deserved it..he started it anyway. Why am I not hovering over my body? Is that all just a sham? Do people talk about their near death experience to make us feel better about the ones we have lost? Obviously they make it all up... Where is the angel of death? I died people...I stopped breathing..everything went black...does no one care about my death? Maybe everyone is busy...OK I will wait... I can't believe I died...It was awful...I couldn't breathe. I fought..I fought hard. I realized the more I struggled the harder it was to breathe, the pain sank in more...I'm a quitter...I always thought myself to be a fighter...I'm not, obviously..I gave up, I quit fighting and I stopped breathing. I felt an uncontrollable amount of pain, and then everything went black....
Where did it go wrong?
I remember sitting on the couch...I remember talking to Kevin...I remember thinking things didn't seem right...Why was he there? He ended things with me 2 weeks ago because I wouldn't sleep with him. How did you know my mom would be away for the evening? I only told one person because she wanted to rehearse our duet acting scene for competition...I told her I couldn't because I had to babysit my sister while my mom went to Les Miserables. Why is he here? He shouldn't be in here. I will get into trouble if my mom knew he was here. It's just Kevin. We're not dating anymore. He said he wasn't staying long..he just wanted to talk...Said he missed me...He hurt me when he broke my heart, I'll listen to what he has to say..maybe it will make my heart feel better.
Something doesn't feel right. I'm not taking him back. I don't care if he begs...he's a stupid boy.
I remember sitting on the couch and he sat in the other chair. I remember him telling me he misses me, how much he loves me, how much I make him laugh and that's his favorite thing about me. Aw, how sweet. Stop it! You're not taking him back! Why did he come at me? It happened so fast. He came at me quick and hard. I didn't have time to react, I didn't have time to move, I didn't...
I remember the shove was so hard I fell back and hit my head on the arm of the couch. The arm was hard. It hurt my head and snapped my neck back. Dazed and confused...I shook it off, but before I could come to my senses I remember the massive weight on my chest...Kevin, why is your knee in my chest? Are you trying to help me? Why is all your weight on my chest? Don't you know it hurts and it's hard to breathe? Why are you grabbing my wrists and holding them so tightly? What the HELL is going on? Somebody help me. My head is throbbing. Let me sit up, get me some water, maybe some Tylenol? Kevin, please help me. I thought you were a baseball player...you're being clumsy right now. Why do you keep hurting me while you try to help me? I am so dazed still...As soon I shake this throbbing in my head, I can sit up and figure this out...I am having a hard time breathing now that this pillow is covering my face...I turn my head to the side..there's air over here, but this intense pain shoots through my neck to turn it that way. I don't care...what the hell is happening to me???? Kevin, I am screaming your name, why are you telling me to shut the fuck up? You just said you loved me, you missed me...and holy crap what is that and why does it hurt like hell? "I will get what I came for" is what I remember you saying. This is where I stop breathing...I realize now that you are inside of me and the pain from everything is blindingly numb...I stop breathing and I can't fight anymore...my arms feel like 100 lbs each, I can't lift them, I can't move, I have this sick feeling in my stomach, I can't do anything, then it goes dark...this is where I died...
I come to when I hear the door slam shut. Mom! You're home! Thank God! I fight to get up, there's no one there. The pillow that was on my face has fallen to the floor, my shorts and panties are torn on one side...there's blood running down my leg as gravity takes over...my head is killing me....I start sobbing....
what just happened here? i should have never let him in when he showed up at the door. i am not supposed to have anyone in the house when my parents are not home. he said he just wanted to talk, he would only be a few minutes...it seemed like an eternity...
i have to shower.. i have to scrub this off of me...no one will ever know, maybe it didn't happen...it's just a dream...the shower feels so good...the hotter the better...i scrub and scrub and i still don't feel any better... i can't stop crying...why does it hurt, why did i let him in? why didn't i tell him to talk to me tomorrow at school? I can't believe this all happened with my 5 year old sister in her room. did she wake up? oh my gosh, can my mom tell someone was here? i jump out of the shower, check on my sister, pick up the pillow and place it on the couch. i throw my shorts and stuff away in the trash outside...there's a little blood on the couch...crap! hurry and get this clean! i try the best that i can and i get back in the shower. i touched everything that began the nightmare...i stay in the shower until it goes cold....i slowly dress into some warm pj's and crawl into bed where i cry and relive the nightmare again and again. i hear my mom come in...i close my eyes and pretend to be asleep as she checks in on me...my head is still throbbing. i don't know if it's from hitting it so hard or if it's from the nightmare that went on...i finally fall in and out of sleep...
i still am in bed awake when my mom comes in to find out why i am not up the next morning. i told her i started my period...on the couch. i told her i didn't feel good and that i don't want to go to school. I'm a great actress. that's why i am in LA, to act...she lets me stay home as she takes my sister to school and goes on to work...i spend the whole day in bed...hell is such a lonely place. I spend the next 2 days in bed also. my mom is worried somewhat because i don't eat, i don't get out of bed, i have no desire to do anything, but die. i don't want to go to school to face him...what are my choices? can we just go back home to Texas? i don't have a fever...my mom tells me that i need to face whatever issue i am trying to run away from..get out of bed and go to school. she's smart, but full of blame. i can't ever tell her...it's my fault. this would have never happened if i obeyed rules and never let him in...i carry this burden 18 years later.
I have to face Kevin in Trig. That's how we met. I was the new girl from Texas. We had one class together because he's a Senior and I am just a Sophomore. I used to catch him staring at me in class then he would walk me to my next class downstairs and run back to his class upstairs. I thought it was sweet. His locker is on my way to Biology in the corner. There's no other way to this class. I notice him and his buddies leaning against the locker. Are they waiting for me? Kevin looks over and notices me. My heart jumps to my throat and I stop breathing. I feel dizzy and that nausea feeling returns to my stomach. What's that on his face? It's a huge scratch! Is that from me? Did I truly fight back? Maybe someone will notice and believe ME! He nudges his friend and they all turn and look at me, they stop talking. I am 20 feet away. I can't move and someone bumps into me and I drop my books and papers...they start laughing. I am mortified and run away in tears. I skipped biology that day and other days following. I start to fail. I'm a straight A student....something has to be done. I feel so alone. My first boyfriend ever, Brett, stops me in the hall one day and tells me he has heard a rumor. He's also a Senior. We met the summer before. My heart stops beating. who knows? i haven't said a word! I'm horrified! He says he has heard some things. Brett's heart broken. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to know what's going on. That I haven't been myself the past few weeks. He says I am going through the motions of life, but I am not showing emotion. I stare through him. He tells me my eyes are hollow. He tells me he has never stopped loving me, I burst into tears and run. I run out to the parking lot and jump in my car. I tear past the security guard without stopping. I don't care! What's the worst thing that will happen to me? ISS? I am already alone...I drive down to Studio City where I have an audition...actually its a call back for a new series. I think if I get this, i will be pulled out of school, placed with a tutor, and my problems will be over...I say a quick prayer and go inside.
what just happened here? i should have never let him in when he showed up at the door. i am not supposed to have anyone in the house when my parents are not home. he said he just wanted to talk, he would only be a few minutes...it seemed like an eternity...
i have to shower.. i have to scrub this off of me...no one will ever know, maybe it didn't happen...it's just a dream...the shower feels so good...the hotter the better...i scrub and scrub and i still don't feel any better... i can't stop crying...why does it hurt, why did i let him in? why didn't i tell him to talk to me tomorrow at school? I can't believe this all happened with my 5 year old sister in her room. did she wake up? oh my gosh, can my mom tell someone was here? i jump out of the shower, check on my sister, pick up the pillow and place it on the couch. i throw my shorts and stuff away in the trash outside...there's a little blood on the couch...crap! hurry and get this clean! i try the best that i can and i get back in the shower. i touched everything that began the nightmare...i stay in the shower until it goes cold....i slowly dress into some warm pj's and crawl into bed where i cry and relive the nightmare again and again. i hear my mom come in...i close my eyes and pretend to be asleep as she checks in on me...my head is still throbbing. i don't know if it's from hitting it so hard or if it's from the nightmare that went on...i finally fall in and out of sleep...
i still am in bed awake when my mom comes in to find out why i am not up the next morning. i told her i started my period...on the couch. i told her i didn't feel good and that i don't want to go to school. I'm a great actress. that's why i am in LA, to act...she lets me stay home as she takes my sister to school and goes on to work...i spend the whole day in bed...hell is such a lonely place. I spend the next 2 days in bed also. my mom is worried somewhat because i don't eat, i don't get out of bed, i have no desire to do anything, but die. i don't want to go to school to face him...what are my choices? can we just go back home to Texas? i don't have a fever...my mom tells me that i need to face whatever issue i am trying to run away from..get out of bed and go to school. she's smart, but full of blame. i can't ever tell her...it's my fault. this would have never happened if i obeyed rules and never let him in...i carry this burden 18 years later.
I have to face Kevin in Trig. That's how we met. I was the new girl from Texas. We had one class together because he's a Senior and I am just a Sophomore. I used to catch him staring at me in class then he would walk me to my next class downstairs and run back to his class upstairs. I thought it was sweet. His locker is on my way to Biology in the corner. There's no other way to this class. I notice him and his buddies leaning against the locker. Are they waiting for me? Kevin looks over and notices me. My heart jumps to my throat and I stop breathing. I feel dizzy and that nausea feeling returns to my stomach. What's that on his face? It's a huge scratch! Is that from me? Did I truly fight back? Maybe someone will notice and believe ME! He nudges his friend and they all turn and look at me, they stop talking. I am 20 feet away. I can't move and someone bumps into me and I drop my books and papers...they start laughing. I am mortified and run away in tears. I skipped biology that day and other days following. I start to fail. I'm a straight A student....something has to be done. I feel so alone. My first boyfriend ever, Brett, stops me in the hall one day and tells me he has heard a rumor. He's also a Senior. We met the summer before. My heart stops beating. who knows? i haven't said a word! I'm horrified! He says he has heard some things. Brett's heart broken. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to know what's going on. That I haven't been myself the past few weeks. He says I am going through the motions of life, but I am not showing emotion. I stare through him. He tells me my eyes are hollow. He tells me he has never stopped loving me, I burst into tears and run. I run out to the parking lot and jump in my car. I tear past the security guard without stopping. I don't care! What's the worst thing that will happen to me? ISS? I am already alone...I drive down to Studio City where I have an audition...actually its a call back for a new series. I think if I get this, i will be pulled out of school, placed with a tutor, and my problems will be over...I say a quick prayer and go inside.
I died that night back in March. I took my California Proficiency Examination so that I didn't have to have a tutor on set. I passed it and basically received my high school diploma as a Sophomore. I thanked my tutor on the set of a show I did for getting my biology grade back up, I rearranged my classes so I didn't have Trig with Kevin. I didn't have but 1.5 months left of school. I went to Biology even if it meant passing in front of Kevin. I held my breath if he was standing there. I left California right after school was over in June. Hell is a lonely place...I've been there...But I'm a fighter. I fought that night...the scratch on Kevin's face proves it. Be a fighter...the little guy always wins....
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