Sunday, July 26, 2009

Life's Cruelty

Who says life is fair all of the time? So many simple moments we take for granted and sometimes we are left standing feeling like we have been punched in the gut when you think that you are living, doing the best that you know how. Sometimes I feel the decisions I am making are for the best of the parties involved. I need to start listening to ME and stop trying to please EVERYBODY. Maybe only then all will be right in my world for once. It’s hard having kids. As a mother you strive to keep your kids safe, healthy and happy. We stress our bodies to the core wondering if our little ones are going to grow to hate us for the slightest indifference then what everyone else is doing. Sometimes I think I am going to go to hell for some of the choices I have made or some of the scenarios I have made my children endure. I can picture showing up in Hell, and when Satan see’s that it’s me he’s all, “no, no, no, not that woman, I am not about to spend eternity with someone so crass that they would casually talk about dog farts while I'm eating small children for breakfast. Send her back!” Hoo boy, it’s these types of scenarios we stress over at all hours of the day. Sometimes we find ourselves getting up in the middle of the night to watch them sleep. Maybe it’s only me and I’m simply just a weird mother. Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t get to spend a lot of time with my kids because of a life of divorce and that I live 2000 miles from family because of decisions made a year ago to move to a different state. It’s hard when brothers are separated because of other circumstance I choose not to divulge here.
So my trip to Texas last week was a quick one. I was forced to go to Texas for a child custody battle, once again. It never seems to end, because someone in hell has it out for me and if he doesn’t watch out, I may take a quick trip there just to torture. And also because of an ex who just won’t LET. IT. GO. Perhaps my next post, I will update you on what events led to me being served, the prep for trial, the trial itself, and what has happened since….it’s quite fun, truly. NOT.
So, back to why I am writing now. I have just a few hours with my boys while I am here in Texas. I stand to the side as to not interfere with their time together. I watch and enjoy hearing the laughter over silly things. I step in only to break up arguments, fights, or when their rough housing becomes a little too rough. I have tried to teach my boys the art of independence and sometimes I kick myself for making them too independent because I miss them wanting to cuddle up on the couch and just be held by their mother. My boys know how emotional their mother is and often out of the corner of my eye when something happens, I will see that quick turn in their heads to see if I am crying. Even at the ages of 10 & 7, my boys KNOW their mom and look out after me.

You never know what a person has to endure on a day to day basis. Know that my humor is only masking the pain that I endure every day. The following description is what I went through my last moments before boarding a plane back to Washington….
As I am taking Jake back to his dad’s place, Jake grabs my hand and gives it 2 quick pumps. I give it back. He looks at me and winks and as I wink back the tears begin to flow.
He climbs out of the car and closes the door and immediately E stares straight ahead and says, “I miss my brother.” I tell him to jump out and give him another hug and assured him he would see him again soon.
At the airport Ethan and I play before I have to go through security. He walks with me through the line until the last possible second that he has to duck under the lines and go away with Paw Paw. He keeps his eye on me to see how long it takes before I break, but I manage to wait until he walks away holding onto Paw Paw’s hand to lose it. He turns to look back at me; he breaks free from my dad’s grip and runs back for one last hug. “I’m going to miss you,” he says. “I love you E-Rod,” I reply. He giggles and says, “Moooom, it’s A-Rod” and spells the letters in the air with his finger. He has tears beginning to form as my dad walks up to get him. My dad asks E if he wants to get a Cinnamon roll from Cinnebon. Ethan’s sadness suddenly disappears as he bounds off towards the direction of the confectionery goodness. I mouth the words “thank you” to my dad as he winks at me.
The fact that a donut can take away the sadness only proves that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Perhaps it truly does make everything right in the world, and I think everything just might be OK.


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