Christmas Don't Be Late

Dear Christmas,

Please hurry.

Love, Me

December Playlist

Rescue Me

Ethan acquired some Pokemon cards today after his adventure to one of many comic book stores. He is beyond frustrated by trying to explain this "game" to me so that we can play. I would be easier off translating the Chinese language than learning the object of this "game." I'd rather be held hostage and forced to become a Democrat than continue with this torture. Did I mention that I've been up since 2:15 AM for Black Friday? Jake just came by and asked to do something with Ethan. I promise it had nothing to do with the $50 bucks I slipped him. Ethan declined because we were playing Pokemon....um, I have a handful of cards that I haven't touched since they were given to me. So apparently this is what you call playing Pokemon??? Maybe it's not so bad since I was able to look at porn on Huck's iPad the whole time. Won't he be surprised when he gets the bill.

The Night Before Black Friday

I layed on the bed tonight discussing Christmas with Ethan. I'd memorized all of the Black Friday ads for weeks since they were released online weeks ago. But it's total tradition for my fabulous sister-in-law and I to trapse through each one after Thanksgiving dinner before dessert(s). I can't justify the pants being unbuttoned while I lick the advertisements of my favorite stores so she won't take them, instead I wear overalls and she wears elastic waisted pants. After circling, earmarking, and hiding the ads, I found myself laying on the bed having as much excitement about Christmas as, well, a kid on Christmas. I asked E what he wanted and after a long thoughtful pause he rolled over in all seriousness and said, "I don't know. There's so much cool stuff." I'm laying there staring at him, waiting for him to name SOMETHING, DAMNIT, ANYTHING!!! BECAUSE MOM ISN'T GETTING UP AT 2:15 FOR MY HEALTH. So I approached it from another angle, "What are you going to ask Santa to bring you." I had him trapped. What I got was, "Santa knows that I'll like any of that cool stuff." So a carton of unfiltered Camels and a bottle of Jack it is. It's going to be a great Christmas for one of us.

Priorities

E: What time is Jake's game tomorrow?

Me:  The same time as yours.

E: The EXACT same time, like 6 o'clock?

Me:  Uh huh, 6 on the dot.

E: Can you call my coach and tell him I am not going to be there?

Me: Why aren't you going to be there? Your team needs you, it's your last game.

E: Who's going to be the bat boy at Jake's game if I'm not there?

Me: I'm sure they'll manage.

E: (thinking) Mom, will you call Jake's coach and tell him I can't come because it's my last game?

Me: I am sure he will understand.

Revenge

You have destroyed the pile of clothes that I have so neatly folded and stacked on your bed by running and jumping into the middle of the stacks as though it's a big pile of leaves.  Then you wad them up and SHOVE them in your drawers when I give you the evil eye.  It's ok, REALLY, just don't be surprised when I show up at school with your jock strap on my head.

November Playlist

October Playlist

The Warm Spot

Yesterday about mid-morning I stumbled upon this. and all I could think of was, Yeah, some days I like to lay in the warm spot, other days, it's your turn. 

Molly. She belongs to my dad and Andrea

Gotta Cut Loose

I heart dance. All kinds. I love to watch it and every now and again I get brave enough to try it. As most of you have witnessed through this blog or on YouTube, my son has no fear of dancing either. I came across this and watched it at least 10 times...Go ahead...just try and not move your feet.

September Playlist

August Playlist

What's Next?

One of my favorite feeds that I read daily is from HGTV.  I get a kick out of the designers thoughts of what THEY think is awesome and what I think is dreadful.  I'm most in awe of big, workable kitchens that I can spend days making donuts and consuming alcohol in a very hip manner. I really enjoy most of what they share with them real big, pertty pictures and all....until TODAY.  First I'm going to show you the picture which was almost the first thing they showed.  Then, I'm going to tear it apart dissect it....

"I love the whimsical, yet modern feel for these indoor swings" ~Kayla

Really, Kayla? 

First, If I'm going to put a swing in my bedroom, it's not THIS kind.  It's one my boys can't see until they're 28 or on their wedding night, whichever comes first.

The REAL problem here is the decorating in this country monstrosity, not the swing.  The ONLY good thing about the swing is that it kinda covers up the other crap in the room and maybe that was Kayla's point, but I didn't read any further because I had to clean up the vomit on my laptop, sorry small family.

I hated that the brick wall was painted white and not left the original color.  My eyes were fixated on that brick wall, wondering what color the original was and my eyes jumped out of my head when they found the Brady Bunch wall paper to the left.  All I could think of was Marcia brushing her hair 100 times in her room with this same (looking) wallpaper.  It's hideous.  Maybe this is grandma's room, but then why would grandma still have the My Little Pony collection above the bed? She was way too old for that mess.

The bed looks rock hard, actually I'm thinking it's a table since they covered it with a picnic tablecloth.  Perhaps they're trying to keep with the country theme?  Then why the Frankie Goes To Hollywood coverings for the swing pillows?

None of the furniture remotely matches in style or color and that bothers me. The only things that interested me was the shag rug and it looks like the hardwood floors are originals from way back.  It's a shame that they have this other crap to offset them.

I'm A Little Bit Country

 A couple of weeks ago, I rounded up the troops for pictures.  It's been awhile since we've had the chance to have professional pictures taken.  I found this photographer through another blog that I read and was ecstatic when I found out she was 20 minutes from me! When I arrived, she threw this vintage dress my way, had me put on my cowboy boots and denim jacket and she started shooting.  200+ pictures later in under an hour and I was on my way to take Jake to the airport for his summer in Texas. These are just a couple that I have included.  It looks like my Christmas cards are done.  Just act surprised when you open yours in December.

A Day on the Lake

Some are just entertained by a beautiful day on the boat with friends, the rest of us are entertained by E.

Jar of Hearts

Spring in Seattle

During a Saturday morning walk in June, I was dreaming of warmth and sunshine and spending long walks on the beach with my boyfriend and secret lover, Bradley Cooper, when I took Huck's new EVO phone and snapped at some pictures along the way.  Huck thinks I'm jealous of his new phone that has the battery life equivalent to the size of a gnat.  In reality, I'm only jealous at the clarity of the pictures it takes.  I'm not a good photographer at all.  Maybe after I finish remodeling the house, I will take a class or two, if Jimmy Hoffa allows me to.

Drinking Buddies

 The Saturday morning ritual in Starbucks....then donuts.

July Playlist

Holy hell was I even thinking this month? 

Spring Cleaning in July

This morning I got up at 6:30 thanks to people who work in the Central timezone and are too lazy to look up the 425 area code and the PACIFIC timezone it lies within. Grrr. 

Let me start by saying how OCD I am if you don't already know.  I have to constantly stay busy.  Since I quit my job, this house has never been so lucky nor seen so much improvement since the day it was built, 5 years ago. I'm not saying that I DO ALL THE WORK, it's because I love to and if I didn't, I would go mad, more than I already am, and Huck would have to lock me in a round rubber room.  It kind of sounds peaceful in a sadistic kind of way, but nonetheless, I take on these improvement projects myself in between shuffling kids back and forth to camps, writing some scripts for a project, and many trips to the bathroom to pee because y'all, I have THE WORLDS SMALLEST BLADDER.

Anyway, I sat down at my computer this morning and this spot caught my eye.  It was between the "backspace" and the "home" keys on my computer. I couldn't wedge my pinkie in to get it and it started laughing at me.  I got up and went and got a q-tip. I picked off the backspace key and gasped! I RAN and got the 500 count box of q-tips, the saline solution, the electronic duster in a can, and tweezers.  I started picking off the keys one by one and each time was startled by what I found, after I huffed the remaining contents of the can of cleaner.

Cupcake crumbles (I can't believe I let any get beyond my mouth so it must have been one of the kids)
Enough hair to construct a wig
OMG is that BACON???
a small family of four
a rabbit
and 2 lbs of dirt which will work well in the garden

I never realized how disgusting my keyboard on my laptop was until I started prying off the keys one by one.  I was q-tipping in one instance and grabbing hair with my tweezers the next.  I was one dead hooker away from making Gil Grissom happy with my work.

My keyboard is all clean except my space bar keeps getting stuck.  I guess I'm going to have to get the Sheriff to get rid of the squatters that have relocated to one end of it. Oh, and Huck, we need more q-tips.

Memorial Day Weekend

 

May was a busy month. I know, I know, I've heard it all, "Everyone is busy but THEY have time to get things done...." OR "You don't work, what do you NOT have time for?" SHUT YOUR FACE, OK? I try and keep an immaculate house. I organize and reorganize closets because there is still room to fit some of Huck's sh!t inside of it because I can't throw everything away at once. Clueless. Everyone needs to hang out with me for a day to see what I do and the amount of Cheetos I consume. The iPad has a TON of cool applications I have found and I've also walked the dog. Actually, I went to Texas twice. and I've been building a wall. You would think I was a professional by the looks of the wall I built around my heart, but NO, dirt is much more tricky then any boy who's ever walked into my life. Seriously, A REAL WALL. There are some instances where I just sit and watch HUCK sweat, and then there are mornings when I'm in a dress and flip flops in the pouring rain trying to put the finishing pieces to the ground level in the front. Hot, huh?

Anyway, my second trip to Texas was over Memorial Day weekend. By the time I landed it felt like seconds before I was leaving again. I hate trips like that only because I don't feel like I even breathed. This trip was to go to my Ex-husband's wedding. Yes, you read that right, MY EX-HUSBAND'S WEDDING. I was gung-ho when I told Dougie that I would make it back and bring Huck along for the ride. As soon as the plane started to descend, I had this gut-punch feeling come over me and it was like I opened my eyes for the first time at what I was actually coming home for. WTF am I doing? Can we turn this plane around and I'll just send a gift and a card? How am I going to make this event NOT ABOUT ME? Seriously, I got through it and had a great time. We laughed and laughed about anything and everything. I introduced Huck to Billy Bob's. He learned what a honky tonk was after much discussion on why it was better than being called a cracker tonk. He had never been to a bar with Bull-riding in it, and we actually saw a concert by a Filipino-American C&W artist, Neal McCoy. He had Texas overload by the time we stumbled back through the Stockyards to the truck. My favorite part of the whole wedding was when strangers would ask me how I knew the bride and groom and I would cheerfully say, "I'm Doug's ex-wife!" Huck thought it better to say I was Doug's baby's momma.

PRICELESS.

The End Of This Journey

Dear Jake,

Today is your last day of elementary school. You have come a VERY long 6 years in school as you embark on your next adventure: MIDDLE SCHOOL.  Oh, how I can look back on your days as a Kindergartner and remember the trials and tribulations, the fights on how and why school was important and that you still had 16 more years left so you better start liking it NOW.  I remember how we practiced spelling words in the car on the way to school K-3rd grade.  How we fought over wearing the school uniform because that's what private school kids wear.  How you thought I was the coolest mom ever for suggesting they implement "Dollar Day" a couple of times a month so that you could wear regular clothes on those designated days for a mere buck.  How now you ask ME not to wear specific clothes as to not embarrass you in front of your friends, but little do you know that kissing you and saying specific things out loud is really all it takes, not wearing cowboy boots with my dresses. 

Homework was never fun for me as I can now say that I am Valedictorian of K-5th grade and I finally mastered fractions.  I know, Huck, "mastered" is quite the stretch.  The papers and projects are too numerous to count, but I'm glad WE got good grades on all of them.  It was only when the light bulb went off in your head that you enjoyed certain aspects of homework because they were easy and quick to accomplish. Showing your work is not your forte and the countless hours we have fought over why will one day be the nemesis with YOUR child. 

You are a strong young man as you weathered a couple of new schools and went through some major life changing events.  I couldn't be more proud of how you handled them and you kept going unlike me and the worry that I continue to carry for you and E. 

You learned that being suspended from school was more embarrassing then anything, and that the 5th grade "video" was not as terrifying as you first thought.  You have figured out that girls in 1st grade kick you only because they like you and as they get older they don't do it as much. And friends are friends forever through the powers of Facebook.

I can already hear the fears of middle school: School dances where I may be a chaperon just so I can shake my groove thang, HOMEWORK, showering after PE in front of others, HOMEWORK, algebra, girls, friends that were your friends in elementary school are now friends with other kids, you don't want the notes that I write in your lunch bag anymore, and more HOMEWORK.

All of this has taught me my own life lessons...buy stock in erasers, plant more trees for paper, and that our teachers are clearly not paid enough money to put up with everything.

Enjoy your summer.

Love,
Mom

Kindergarten

5th Grade

A Kid After My Own Heart

 
I can't tell you how much I love In-N-Out Burger.  I always make it a point to visit one when I'm in Vegas, California or St George, Utah.  I am not shy about eating good food especially good burgers.  My favorites seem to have tons of bacon and blue cheese. You can't get it that way at INO, but you can get it animal style which is just as good.If INO could overnight me a dozen or so, I would be forever grateful.

And of course, my child who can't drink hot chocolate without taking some home with him...FOREVER.

June Playlist

Apologies

OMG, FOREVER. It's been about that long since I have even looked at this blog much less thought about it. Oh, wait, there were a couple of instances where I thought, "I should write about this." Then the world kept turning and I've blinked a total of 287345820246 since then and have forgotten what that nonsense I was slightly interested in sharing with you was. I SUCK.
A girlfriend of mine actually admitted to me the other day that she reads my blog and it was SHE who brought it to my attention that I hadn't written in over a month and she needed something funny to read. I could have directed her to all of the blogs that I read, but most are not funny. Just 2 words away from making me want to slit my own wrists on some days. By the tone of her text, I could tell she need not be redirected to any of those.
She then went on to tell me it would me my fault if she died that night and had nothing NEW and FUNNY to read. I think this was right after she said she was driving her car into the next guardrail. BAD DAY?
The only thing I could tell her was to reread the blog from the beginning and do it at a different computer (try at the library) so that way it would maybe feel like it was brand new? I promised her I would write something funny for her funeral.

May Playlist

Yes, I KNOW. I'm 7 days late! *GASP* It's been a fast, crazy week and I have forgotten A LOT of stuff.  My head's just not checked in the game this week.  I'm so behind I didn't call my dad until LAST night to pick me up from the airport TODAY! I hope HE'S got his $#!^ together and that this isn't inherited.

Cinco de Mayo

Dear Washington,

It's May 5th.  It's time that you stop having your ridiculous love affair with Winter.  In fact, it's time to break up completely for the next 8 months or so.  Or how 'bout forever? This is why I love Texas so much more than you except that Texas tends to linger a little too long onto Summer, but it sure makes for nice nights to eat outdoors on a patio drinking 11 or so margaritas. So, suck it, Washington...forever.

Love, T

Mischief Maker

Tax day came and went without a hitch.  When I say "without a hitch", I mean, I didn't do them, my dad did and, also, because I had my Middle Sister to help get me through it.  She's the best...so much that I went and bought all of her kind at Target, the only place I can find her round these them parts. I'm a personal fan of Mischief Maker, the Cabernet.  They have several variety of wines and you can even go to the website and take a quiz to see which one you are most like. Just look at her, she's the sister I wish I had!  I can't help that I want to relax with her every night.  If Huck is lucky, he may just end up with a threesome.

You Tell 'Em, Steve

Steve Jobs explains in 5 steps why Flash eats it. Then is all like… support HTML 5, bitches, it’s the future and Flash is going to die cold and alone with only its cats to keep it company....So There!

Just Remember....

Just when you think everything is going down the drain, when you think all hope is lost, when you're at ground zero and picking yourself up seems impossible, the weight on your shoulders seems unbearable to lift, remember there is someone out there who cares.  Someone who loves you. Someone who truly has it worse off than you. The "guests" on Jerry Springer are living proof. Call me when you don't think anyone will answer on the other end.  I will.

Southern Goodness

Tonight I introduced Huck to one of my favorite "meals."  You must remember that I not only consider chips and salsa as a meal but also part of a major food group. I can't get enough of corn tortillas.  In Texas it's a staple to have corn tortillas with every meal.  As a young girl, I loved having them brought to the table as we sat down. I would smear enough butter to stop the left ventricle, add a dash of salt to bloat a whale, and drown it in salsa.  Easy enough to make at home except I fry the tortillas in butter for just a few seconds.  I make a plate full so that everyone can grab and dip them into salsa.  My house then smells like a Mexican tortilla factory and I couldn't be more pleased except if I was holding a margarita in my empty hand.  My kids love these as much as I do.  It's a heart attack waiting to happen I'm sure.  I hope no one from CPS reads this blog...

Earth Day

Yesterday was Earth Day. My 8 year old delightedly told me they celebrated it at school. He went on to tell me that they had a party and something about a birthday and I became lost in translation trying to determine if they celebrated Earth Day with a birthday party, cakes, planting trees, and OMG who organizes this stuff?

Anywho, in honor of Earth Day Huck and I thought we would give back to Mother Earth by making our yard look prettier. Not really, it just so happened it was the same day when some guys showed up to work on our lawn. I've never seen such junk grow or lack of soil in a yard before. We don't have to deal with moss in Texas, in Washington though, it seems to grow everywhere including the roof of your house. I have to admit that there are some beautiful lawns that are green year round here in Washington. YOU HEAR THAT TEXAS?. I guess that once you cast Satan out of your yard or burn it, whichever comes first and easiest, it will be green forever.

Alas, we began one of those practices. This team of guys showed up at the house yesterday to "de-thatch" our lawn. It's basically like tilling. It's this machine that grinds up the surface of your lawn to get all of the weeds and moss so that you can later put fertilizer, seed, top soil, or whatever suits your fancy down. They handed me paperwork when they left for next steps. NEXT STEPS: Rake up thatch or mow up with mower if possible. PERFECT. I LOVE TO MOW. I marched right outside and started up the mower. I was doing beautifully on the side of the house where the strip of lawn is 3 feet wide by 938745 feet long give or take a foot or two. I realized I was pushing the debris back and forth more than picking it up. I ran upstairs to find Huck in the office watching me from the window. AWESOME. I whined a little bit and threw myself on the guest bed in a dramatic way that was surely a sign I needed his help. I went back outside to push the stuff around some more as Huck emerged with more powered lawn tools. This is where it gets fun for him. I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to lawn stuff. My A.D.D. goes into overdrive and I work a whole 30 seconds in random spots before I see another area that needs to be worked on. I never knew this would be so much work!

Dear Lucifer,

Just in case I go to Hell when I die, please do not make my eternal job raking up thatch. I will serve out STD's or other infectious disease first. And the only reason I think I may join you when I die is because I have been told to "Go to Hell" and I "Hope you burn in Hell" by some people and not by my kids yet because they are still young...but you know all of this. OK, thanks.

Love, T

While I was raking thatch into piles to be sucked up, I noticed the ground looked like it had fur on it.

Me: "Why does the ground look like it has fur on it?"

Huck: "Because you brushed Ranger out here yesterday."

Me: "No, it looks furry. The dirt clods have it wrapped around. It's not from Ranger"

Huck: "I don't know what you're talking about."

4th grade neighbor: "To keep the ground warm."

And there you have it. My dad paid for all of that time in college and I could have dropped out in the 4th grade. He will be happy to know this. Let me go call him.

Every muscle in my body came to life screaming at me yesterday. And when I could no longer handle the pain in my back I decided to quit and make dinner. I hate my neighbor for having such a beautiful yard across the street. It makes ours look that much more like the red-headed step child on meth. Unfortunately, we didn't touch the backyard. In some ways I curse myself for still having to do it. The other part of me is glad so that Huck can't see where I have hidden all of those Cheetos wrappers I have buried in the yard. Happy Earth Day, y'all.

This Is It

They say tonight is the night my boyfriend is getting kicked off of Idol. I said it. I threw it out there and now you can think worse of me than you already do. You're the one going to hell for judging me in the first place, so there...imagine me sticking my tongue out at you al la 6 year old style braids and all. Tim Urban...I say this with a heartfelt sigh and a faraway glance in my eye as though I am remembering better times strolling hand in hand through a meadow of wildflowers barefoot. AHEM. OK, this isn't Cougartown, I just think he's the cutest thing on the most boring season of American Idol ever. He has a shyness that he hides behind with that cute smile. He was not part of the original 24 and, you know me, I always cheer for the underdog. Look where I went to school! ;) He's hung in there by a thread and I know a lot of you bash him about making it week after week. You're all a bunch of haters!!! He reminds me a lot of Jason Castro from Season 7. He wasn't really talented but the girls sure loved him...Enter Tim Urban. I like a little eye candy. It doesn't necessarily mean I want to partake to cure my cravings. My pick for the final 2 is Lee and Crystal. If Tim can hang on until then, I'll continue to watch...otherwise, I need to find something else to do with my time. And, Huck, that's not an option.

Here I Go Again

It has been awhile since I've written and at times I thought my fingertips would fall off due to the lack of typing. I started a quote of the day, but realized how much work went into searching for the right quote for the particular day and finding a picture to go with it was extremely time consuming and I think their were days that Huck and the boys didn't see me at all, and if they did they usually asked something about the last time I showered....

Anyway, I would comprise a month at a time which is hard when there are so many shiny objects to distract me including the kitchen that actually calls my name when it's not even time to eat. I became so lenient on those quotes to publish daily ON TOP OF my incessant rambling that I actually got away from typing the thoughts in my head and lucky for Huck, he was only privileged to hear that information. I wanted to post, but quickly relied on those stupid quotes until one day I realized they weren't coming through and after a small investigation discovered that half of last months quotes were just saved and never published in their daily time slot appropriately.

OMG, the horrors that went through my head! My physician was the only one that could remove me from that special place where butterflies actually talk to me.

I decided right then and there that I wouldn't post quotes anymore making me actually write.... and 20 days later here I am!

oi vey. You would think since I quit my job that I would have all of this time to write.

YOU WOULD THINK.

I'm on the computer everyday and at one point thought I found the end of the Internet and I was so excited to let you know, but alas, my router went out and I lost a day putting me farther away to finding the end. So now that I am back, Huck is getting a mini-vacation.

In Your Face

Everyone and their dog has Facebook.  Your mom has Facebook.


A year ago that might’ve stayed as an idiomatic saying, at one point my mom had one, but as of right now my grandmother, my aunt, my uncle, my brother and cousins are all on Facebook; my neighbors probably have Facebook and the odds are pretty good that their dog has one too.
There’s a million and a half different reasons that I’m in love with Facebook –it’s nifty for reconnecting to old friends, great for keeping in touch with recently made ones and convenient for keeping your social life up to date. As you know, I use it for all of these reasons and more. With social media making privacy near impossible, it’s imperative that social networking sites improve the quality of their privacy settings. Unfortunately, when it comes to keeping parts of your life under separate locks and keys, Facebook is notorious for dropping the ball.

In 2007, Facebook launched a system called Beacon which makes it possible for websites not associated with Facebook to send over information about users, such as purchases made and games played. After some initial backlash, action notices were created which gave the user a choice to share, or not share, their personal information with the world. This past December, a new set of “privacy” settings were introduced which made things, well, not so private: no matter your previous settings, almost all of your information was made public until you went through with a fine tooth comb and redefined your settings. For why, you might ask? Well, for profit.  Did you know that the CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is one of the youngest billionaires?  As of 2009, the soon-to-be 26 year old had a personal wealth of a mere $4 billion.

 In the next few weeks, Facebook will be testing our patience with its privacy settings once again. According to a blog post from Barry Schnitt, a director on the Communications and Public Policy team, Facebook is going to share some of your information with “some pre-approved partner websites” so they can “offer a personalized experience.”

With how simple it is to sign up and maintain an account, one would think it would be easy and breezy to establish concrete user defined privacy settings. But, in the wake of site wide changes and pre-approved partner sites, Facebook has confused it’s members and backed their privacy into a corner. It’s one thing to have to change your settings time and time again, but quite another to share information without permission.

What do you think of Facebook’s ever changing privacy settings?

April Playlist

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

I would like to say that the first time Adam had the chance, he laid the blame on the woman.

~ Nancy Astor

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

For after all, the best thing one can do when its raining is to let it rain. -Longfellow