Apologies

So it's been awhile since I have posted. I apologize. I have started several drafts and just get side tracked. I have notes on different slips of paper where I began writing and walked away because something else caught my attention. ADD perhaps? I'd say a little. The month of May was quite busy for me. At some point I thought I was having a heart attack at work and turned to my coworker, Larry, to see if he would take me to the hospital. Without a moments hesitation, he was up and out of the office driving me to the ER. I hate going to the doctor much less the hospital. I just wanted a walk in clinic, but in Washington, those are no where to be found. Larry sat with me for 3 hours in the hospital. He saw me in the sexy hospital gown, saw me get my blood drawn and an IV put in, whisked away for X-rays and other random scans...He even fell asleep for a moment in his little chair. I offered to move over on the bed, but he declined. He's awesome and I'm thankful to know such good people. Since then, I have been told that my heart is fine. Healthy in fact. I have a musculoskeletal issue that creates pain right under the surface of the chest plate which feels like it is my heart. "Take 2 Advil and call me in the morning." Done.

Also since my last post I have been tested and possibly have Parkinson's Disease. I have seen specialists over the past 7 years for random things. No one seems to know what causes some of the issues that I have. I would normally divulge what some of these issues are, but believe me when I say that they are truly personal (and somewhat embarrassing) and only a handful of people know what they are. Over the past 2 years I started shaking. Sometimes it's violent and uncontrollable. I thought it was brought on by stress. I thought caffeine was a trigger. After changes in my life and in my diet, the shaking continues. Nothing I do seems to alter its surge. What I find the strangest about my shaking is that it is only my right arm. It makes the simple things such as writing or cutting vegetables extremely hard. I have learned to deal with it.
After explaining all of my problems to my new doctor so he has a clarity of what I have been experiencing, he ran some tests. My cardiologist noticed the way I was running during my stress test that I often shuffle my feet. It makes me trip. Imagine like tripping over the carpet as you walk...you know, when nothing is there??? Don't lie, we've all done it, except I do it continuously. He also noticed my problem finding words....the simple ones. It's frustrating more so than not. I have learned to deal, but it's made a lot of people frustrated with me. Does it suck? Hell yeah, it does. I have learned to take everything in stride. So, the next step is to see a neurologist and get a CAT scan of my brain to see if it's what I truly have. I'm hoping they're wrong. But whatever it is, I'm ready to keep trucking along with some minor adjustments along the way. Does it put a kink in my life plans, just a tad. It's still MY life and I'm going to continue on living it the best way that I know how. I'm hoping to find someone who will join me in this big adventure and make the most of it with me laughing and having a good time the whole way. I'm not dying. But just to let you in on a little secret...we all will one day. Make the most of your NOW. I am.

T

Fall Back Into Me

I really like this song and David Cook is just a hottie and easy on the eyes. Make sure you watch the slide show as you listen to this fantastic song. Enjoy!


T

Just To See You Smile

Sitting at Sonic tonight enjoying the weather, dinner, and great company with Susan, this song came on and it felt so good to be home in the great state of Texas. DS requested this of me several times last week and BH has requested this several times this week. I just want to share this with you. Enjoy!

T

Be My Escape

Will you?
T

Quotes of the Day

~The true test of character is how we behave when we dont know what to do. -john holt

~Have patience, God isnt finished yet.

~Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp. -nathaniel hawthorne.

~If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are gone, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing. -benjamin franklin

~If you scatter thorns, don't go barefoot. - Italian Proverb

~Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -Emerson'

~We don't know who we are until we see what we can do. - Martha Grimes

~Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Bejamin Spock

~Expect troubles as an inevitable part of your life, and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all... "this too shall pass."

The Night I Died

It hurts to breathe...I can't breathe!...it's hot, I'm sweating...it hurts so bad...I can't breathe....someone help!!!...PLEASE!!!! someone help me...where is everybody...I can't breathe...I think i am going to die...i think I'm going to throw up...mom, help me...I can't breathe...it hurts....then it all went dark.
Hey, I thought there was suppose to be a light that you see when you die. Where is it? Oh my gosh...did I go to Hell? Think, Terri, think...you're barely 16, what in the hell have you done in your 16 short years to end up in hell? Was it all those times I thought bad thoughts about my parents when I got into trouble? Was it the times I was mean to my brother? He's older and deserved it..he started it anyway. Why am I not hovering over my body? Is that all just a sham? Do people talk about their near death experience to make us feel better about the ones we have lost? Obviously they make it all up... Where is the angel of death? I died people...I stopped breathing..everything went black...does no one care about my death? Maybe everyone is busy...OK I will wait... I can't believe I died...It was awful...I couldn't breathe. I fought..I fought hard. I realized the more I struggled the harder it was to breathe, the pain sank in more...I'm a quitter...I always thought myself to be a fighter...I'm not, obviously..I gave up, I quit fighting and I stopped breathing. I felt an uncontrollable amount of pain, and then everything went black....
Where did it go wrong?
I remember sitting on the couch...I remember talking to Kevin...I remember thinking things didn't seem right...Why was he there? He ended things with me 2 weeks ago because I wouldn't sleep with him. How did you know my mom would be away for the evening? I only told one person because she wanted to rehearse our duet acting scene for competition...I told her I couldn't because I had to babysit my sister while my mom went to Les Miserables. Why is he here? He shouldn't be in here. I will get into trouble if my mom knew he was here. It's just Kevin. We're not dating anymore. He said he wasn't staying long..he just wanted to talk...Said he missed me...He hurt me when he broke my heart, I'll listen to what he has to say..maybe it will make my heart feel better.
Something doesn't feel right. I'm not taking him back. I don't care if he begs...he's a stupid boy.
I remember sitting on the couch and he sat in the other chair. I remember him telling me he misses me, how much he loves me, how much I make him laugh and that's his favorite thing about me. Aw, how sweet. Stop it! You're not taking him back! Why did he come at me? It happened so fast. He came at me quick and hard. I didn't have time to react, I didn't have time to move, I didn't...
I remember the shove was so hard I fell back and hit my head on the arm of the couch. The arm was hard. It hurt my head and snapped my neck back. Dazed and confused...I shook it off, but before I could come to my senses I remember the massive weight on my chest...Kevin, why is your knee in my chest? Are you trying to help me? Why is all your weight on my chest? Don't you know it hurts and it's hard to breathe? Why are you grabbing my wrists and holding them so tightly? What the HELL is going on? Somebody help me. My head is throbbing. Let me sit up, get me some water, maybe some Tylenol? Kevin, please help me. I thought you were a baseball player...you're being clumsy right now. Why do you keep hurting me while you try to help me? I am so dazed still...As soon I shake this throbbing in my head, I can sit up and figure this out...I am having a hard time breathing now that this pillow is covering my face...I turn my head to the side..there's air over here, but this intense pain shoots through my neck to turn it that way. I don't care...what the hell is happening to me???? Kevin, I am screaming your name, why are you telling me to shut the fuck up? You just said you loved me, you missed me...and holy crap what is that and why does it hurt like hell? "I will get what I came for" is what I remember you saying. This is where I stop breathing...I realize now that you are inside of me and the pain from everything is blindingly numb...I stop breathing and I can't fight anymore...my arms feel like 100 lbs each, I can't lift them, I can't move, I have this sick feeling in my stomach, I can't do anything, then it goes dark...this is where I died...

I come to when I hear the door slam shut. Mom! You're home! Thank God! I fight to get up, there's no one there. The pillow that was on my face has fallen to the floor, my shorts and panties are torn on one side...there's blood running down my leg as gravity takes over...my head is killing me....I start sobbing....
what just happened here? i should have never let him in when he showed up at the door. i am not supposed to have anyone in the house when my parents are not home. he said he just wanted to talk, he would only be a few minutes...it seemed like an eternity...
i have to shower.. i have to scrub this off of me...no one will ever know, maybe it didn't happen...it's just a dream...the shower feels so good...the hotter the better...i scrub and scrub and i still don't feel any better... i can't stop crying...why does it hurt, why did i let him in? why didn't i tell him to talk to me tomorrow at school? I can't believe this all happened with my 5 year old sister in her room. did she wake up? oh my gosh, can my mom tell someone was here? i jump out of the shower, check on my sister, pick up the pillow and place it on the couch. i throw my shorts and stuff away in the trash outside...there's a little blood on the couch...crap! hurry and get this clean! i try the best that i can and i get back in the shower. i touched everything that began the nightmare...i stay in the shower until it goes cold....i slowly dress into some warm pj's and crawl into bed where i cry and relive the nightmare again and again. i hear my mom come in...i close my eyes and pretend to be asleep as she checks in on me...my head is still throbbing. i don't know if it's from hitting it so hard or if it's from the nightmare that went on...i finally fall in and out of sleep...
i still am in bed awake when my mom comes in to find out why i am not up the next morning. i told her i started my period...on the couch. i told her i didn't feel good and that i don't want to go to school. I'm a great actress. that's why i am in LA, to act...she lets me stay home as she takes my sister to school and goes on to work...i spend the whole day in bed...hell is such a lonely place. I spend the next 2 days in bed also. my mom is worried somewhat because i don't eat, i don't get out of bed, i have no desire to do anything, but die. i don't want to go to school to face him...what are my choices? can we just go back home to Texas? i don't have a fever...my mom tells me that i need to face whatever issue i am trying to run away from..get out of bed and go to school. she's smart, but full of blame. i can't ever tell her...it's my fault. this would have never happened if i obeyed rules and never let him in...i carry this burden 18 years later.
I have to face Kevin in Trig. That's how we met. I was the new girl from Texas. We had one class together because he's a Senior and I am just a Sophomore. I used to catch him staring at me in class then he would walk me to my next class downstairs and run back to his class upstairs. I thought it was sweet. His locker is on my way to Biology in the corner. There's no other way to this class. I notice him and his buddies leaning against the locker. Are they waiting for me? Kevin looks over and notices me. My heart jumps to my throat and I stop breathing. I feel dizzy and that nausea feeling returns to my stomach. What's that on his face? It's a huge scratch! Is that from me? Did I truly fight back? Maybe someone will notice and believe ME! He nudges his friend and they all turn and look at me, they stop talking. I am 20 feet away. I can't move and someone bumps into me and I drop my books and papers...they start laughing. I am mortified and run away in tears. I skipped biology that day and other days following. I start to fail. I'm a straight A student....something has to be done. I feel so alone. My first boyfriend ever, Brett, stops me in the hall one day and tells me he has heard a rumor. He's also a Senior. We met the summer before. My heart stops beating. who knows? i haven't said a word! I'm horrified! He says he has heard some things. Brett's heart broken. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to know what's going on. That I haven't been myself the past few weeks. He says I am going through the motions of life, but I am not showing emotion. I stare through him. He tells me my eyes are hollow. He tells me he has never stopped loving me, I burst into tears and run. I run out to the parking lot and jump in my car. I tear past the security guard without stopping. I don't care! What's the worst thing that will happen to me? ISS? I am already alone...I drive down to Studio City where I have an audition...actually its a call back for a new series. I think if I get this, i will be pulled out of school, placed with a tutor, and my problems will be over...I say a quick prayer and go inside.

I died that night back in March. I took my California Proficiency Examination so that I didn't have to have a tutor on set. I passed it and basically received my high school diploma as a Sophomore. I thanked my tutor on the set of a show I did for getting my biology grade back up, I rearranged my classes so I didn't have Trig with Kevin. I didn't have but 1.5 months left of school. I went to Biology even if it meant passing in front of Kevin. I held my breath if he was standing there. I left California right after school was over in June. Hell is a lonely place...I've been there...But I'm a fighter. I fought that night...the scratch on Kevin's face proves it. Be a fighter...the little guy always wins....

Go It Alone

I had such a hard time when I turned 30. There was something about leaving the comfort of my free-loving 20’s that scared the hell out of me. I am so thankful I am not in my 20’s any longer! What is it about those girls that still act like they are reliving their high school days???

I was at an event tonight where there were about 50 beautiful women, most of them in their 20’s. There were just a handful of us that were in our 30’s and you could pretty much pick us out.

I have to go on record and say that Texas has to have some of the most beautiful women out there. On occasion I have had men tell me this very statement as I have traveled the US. I have no idea what the Beach Boys, and later by David Lee Roth, was talking about! I digress.

So I’m at this event…..and a few “recently made popular” boys walk into the room and you would have thought that they were the Jonas Brothers. OK, so maybe not that young, but most of the girls started getting giddy and lost their sense of mind! WTH is wrong with you? That stupid, naive, blonde act will only get you so far. I am hoping the guys were not impressed by all of the stupid behavior, but were probably eating up the attention nonetheless. Who wouldn’t?

So I sit back with a couple of cute girls I had just met. We clicked right away because they were just like me; brass, independent, and confident as hell. It also helps that they live right by me in Grapevine! Yeah Baby!!! We were discussing that had we been in an appropriate setting, we would have had to let some of the girls know that their “styles” needed some help. I’m way off track.

I’m standing there and ask one of my new girls where the restroom was. Out of nowhere this high pitch resonating noise piped up, “I’ll go with you!!!!” “Um, no you don’t have to, I can do it alone.” I think I said this with a pretty disgusted look on my face. “OMG I have to go too, let’s go together!” Someone please shoot me in the head is all I could think of as she grabbed my arm. When is the appropriate time in your life when women do not have to go to the bathroom together? Seriously? I can understand meeting a girl in the bathroom to give her some desperate piece of information before continuing on with her evening, but other than that, lock it up.
Here’s my advice to you, ladies:

• Don’t act like idiots when a boy walks into the room.
• Don’t draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
• Learn to go to the bathroom without your entourage.
• Be confident.

Otherwise someone is going to have to take away my gun. And, of course, I mean this in the most loving manner.

Good night, my pretties.

T

Make It Happen

Sometimes in our lives someone comes along and just sweeps us off our feet. It hits us when we least expect it. Our lives completely get turned upside down but deep down you know things will work out in the long run. Your heart gets caught up in the moment and there's absolutely nothing you can do. You realize it's the one thing your heart was missing to feel complete. Holding back only prolongs the inevitable. Don't fight it. It is what it is. Don't question it. Just go with it. Just let it be.

Nothing Better

Originally posted Aug 29, 2008 @ 3:30 PM
There's nothing better than getting caught in a torential downpour on a warm Texas day. I got out of the car, grabbed my umbrella and started towards the school to grab the boys. Within 2 seconds of getting out of the car, the sky opened up and all hell broke loose. The lightning and thunder crashing just above my head was so loud that it made me jump a mile high. I was instantly soaked before I could open my umbrella. The best part of this is actually when I picked up my boys. There's something about the rain and getting soaked with your boys that brings instant giggles and smiles all around. As we headed out of the school and back to the car, I had both boys clinging to each side of me. I was holding my awesome Louis Vuitton umbrella, but it didn't help because the rain was coming in all directions. All three of us were literally drenched by the time we got to the car. We couldn't stop laughing! I absolutely love the sound of laughter from my boys!

Today I proved my worth as a mother.

I let fun come first.

I let spontaneity rule.

I let my kids go outside and play in the rain.

I let my boys be boys.

It was awesome.

T