The Night I Died

It hurts to breathe...I can't breathe!...it's hot, I'm sweating...it hurts so bad...I can't breathe....someone help!!!...PLEASE!!!! someone help me...where is everybody...I can't breathe...I think i am going to die...i think I'm going to throw up...mom, help me...I can't breathe...it hurts....then it all went dark.
Hey, I thought there was suppose to be a light that you see when you die. Where is it? Oh my gosh...did I go to Hell? Think, Terri, think...you're barely 16, what in the hell have you done in your 16 short years to end up in hell? Was it all those times I thought bad thoughts about my parents when I got into trouble? Was it the times I was mean to my brother? He's older and deserved it..he started it anyway. Why am I not hovering over my body? Is that all just a sham? Do people talk about their near death experience to make us feel better about the ones we have lost? Obviously they make it all up... Where is the angel of death? I died people...I stopped breathing..everything went black...does no one care about my death? Maybe everyone is busy...OK I will wait... I can't believe I died...It was awful...I couldn't breathe. I fought..I fought hard. I realized the more I struggled the harder it was to breathe, the pain sank in more...I'm a quitter...I always thought myself to be a fighter...I'm not, obviously..I gave up, I quit fighting and I stopped breathing. I felt an uncontrollable amount of pain, and then everything went black....
Where did it go wrong?
I remember sitting on the couch...I remember talking to Kevin...I remember thinking things didn't seem right...Why was he there? He ended things with me 2 weeks ago because I wouldn't sleep with him. How did you know my mom would be away for the evening? I only told one person because she wanted to rehearse our duet acting scene for competition...I told her I couldn't because I had to babysit my sister while my mom went to Les Miserables. Why is he here? He shouldn't be in here. I will get into trouble if my mom knew he was here. It's just Kevin. We're not dating anymore. He said he wasn't staying long..he just wanted to talk...Said he missed me...He hurt me when he broke my heart, I'll listen to what he has to say..maybe it will make my heart feel better.
Something doesn't feel right. I'm not taking him back. I don't care if he begs...he's a stupid boy.
I remember sitting on the couch and he sat in the other chair. I remember him telling me he misses me, how much he loves me, how much I make him laugh and that's his favorite thing about me. Aw, how sweet. Stop it! You're not taking him back! Why did he come at me? It happened so fast. He came at me quick and hard. I didn't have time to react, I didn't have time to move, I didn't...
I remember the shove was so hard I fell back and hit my head on the arm of the couch. The arm was hard. It hurt my head and snapped my neck back. Dazed and confused...I shook it off, but before I could come to my senses I remember the massive weight on my chest...Kevin, why is your knee in my chest? Are you trying to help me? Why is all your weight on my chest? Don't you know it hurts and it's hard to breathe? Why are you grabbing my wrists and holding them so tightly? What the HELL is going on? Somebody help me. My head is throbbing. Let me sit up, get me some water, maybe some Tylenol? Kevin, please help me. I thought you were a baseball player...you're being clumsy right now. Why do you keep hurting me while you try to help me? I am so dazed still...As soon I shake this throbbing in my head, I can sit up and figure this out...I am having a hard time breathing now that this pillow is covering my face...I turn my head to the side..there's air over here, but this intense pain shoots through my neck to turn it that way. I don't care...what the hell is happening to me???? Kevin, I am screaming your name, why are you telling me to shut the fuck up? You just said you loved me, you missed me...and holy crap what is that and why does it hurt like hell? "I will get what I came for" is what I remember you saying. This is where I stop breathing...I realize now that you are inside of me and the pain from everything is blindingly numb...I stop breathing and I can't fight anymore...my arms feel like 100 lbs each, I can't lift them, I can't move, I have this sick feeling in my stomach, I can't do anything, then it goes dark...this is where I died...

I come to when I hear the door slam shut. Mom! You're home! Thank God! I fight to get up, there's no one there. The pillow that was on my face has fallen to the floor, my shorts and panties are torn on one side...there's blood running down my leg as gravity takes over...my head is killing me....I start sobbing....
what just happened here? i should have never let him in when he showed up at the door. i am not supposed to have anyone in the house when my parents are not home. he said he just wanted to talk, he would only be a few minutes...it seemed like an eternity...
i have to shower.. i have to scrub this off of me...no one will ever know, maybe it didn't happen...it's just a dream...the shower feels so good...the hotter the better...i scrub and scrub and i still don't feel any better... i can't stop crying...why does it hurt, why did i let him in? why didn't i tell him to talk to me tomorrow at school? I can't believe this all happened with my 5 year old sister in her room. did she wake up? oh my gosh, can my mom tell someone was here? i jump out of the shower, check on my sister, pick up the pillow and place it on the couch. i throw my shorts and stuff away in the trash outside...there's a little blood on the couch...crap! hurry and get this clean! i try the best that i can and i get back in the shower. i touched everything that began the nightmare...i stay in the shower until it goes cold....i slowly dress into some warm pj's and crawl into bed where i cry and relive the nightmare again and again. i hear my mom come in...i close my eyes and pretend to be asleep as she checks in on me...my head is still throbbing. i don't know if it's from hitting it so hard or if it's from the nightmare that went on...i finally fall in and out of sleep...
i still am in bed awake when my mom comes in to find out why i am not up the next morning. i told her i started my period...on the couch. i told her i didn't feel good and that i don't want to go to school. I'm a great actress. that's why i am in LA, to act...she lets me stay home as she takes my sister to school and goes on to work...i spend the whole day in bed...hell is such a lonely place. I spend the next 2 days in bed also. my mom is worried somewhat because i don't eat, i don't get out of bed, i have no desire to do anything, but die. i don't want to go to school to face him...what are my choices? can we just go back home to Texas? i don't have a fever...my mom tells me that i need to face whatever issue i am trying to run away from..get out of bed and go to school. she's smart, but full of blame. i can't ever tell her...it's my fault. this would have never happened if i obeyed rules and never let him in...i carry this burden 18 years later.
I have to face Kevin in Trig. That's how we met. I was the new girl from Texas. We had one class together because he's a Senior and I am just a Sophomore. I used to catch him staring at me in class then he would walk me to my next class downstairs and run back to his class upstairs. I thought it was sweet. His locker is on my way to Biology in the corner. There's no other way to this class. I notice him and his buddies leaning against the locker. Are they waiting for me? Kevin looks over and notices me. My heart jumps to my throat and I stop breathing. I feel dizzy and that nausea feeling returns to my stomach. What's that on his face? It's a huge scratch! Is that from me? Did I truly fight back? Maybe someone will notice and believe ME! He nudges his friend and they all turn and look at me, they stop talking. I am 20 feet away. I can't move and someone bumps into me and I drop my books and papers...they start laughing. I am mortified and run away in tears. I skipped biology that day and other days following. I start to fail. I'm a straight A student....something has to be done. I feel so alone. My first boyfriend ever, Brett, stops me in the hall one day and tells me he has heard a rumor. He's also a Senior. We met the summer before. My heart stops beating. who knows? i haven't said a word! I'm horrified! He says he has heard some things. Brett's heart broken. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to know what's going on. That I haven't been myself the past few weeks. He says I am going through the motions of life, but I am not showing emotion. I stare through him. He tells me my eyes are hollow. He tells me he has never stopped loving me, I burst into tears and run. I run out to the parking lot and jump in my car. I tear past the security guard without stopping. I don't care! What's the worst thing that will happen to me? ISS? I am already alone...I drive down to Studio City where I have an audition...actually its a call back for a new series. I think if I get this, i will be pulled out of school, placed with a tutor, and my problems will be over...I say a quick prayer and go inside.

I died that night back in March. I took my California Proficiency Examination so that I didn't have to have a tutor on set. I passed it and basically received my high school diploma as a Sophomore. I thanked my tutor on the set of a show I did for getting my biology grade back up, I rearranged my classes so I didn't have Trig with Kevin. I didn't have but 1.5 months left of school. I went to Biology even if it meant passing in front of Kevin. I held my breath if he was standing there. I left California right after school was over in June. Hell is a lonely place...I've been there...But I'm a fighter. I fought that night...the scratch on Kevin's face proves it. Be a fighter...the little guy always wins....

Dumb & Dumber

originally posted August 6, 2008 12:35 AM

A Step-By-Step Guide on How to Make a Dumb Decision You will Most Likely Regret the Rest of Your Life

Dumb decisions. They are very human, very common and sometimes very costly. And we all make them. But do we resign ourselves to the fact that dumb decisions are a part of life?
If you think about it, 1 dumb decision could ruin your life.



Dumb rule #1: Make Big Decisions Impulsively

I'm not necessarily talking about buying that pair of shoes while you're out shopping unless it's a pair of Jimmy Choos and it's a choice between responsibility or fashion. It could be buying that 62" flat screen TV, or perhaps it's picking up your whole life and moving to another state for someone.

So make sure you don't ask for advice and you just rush up to the plate and pull the trigger, it's always worth your while.

Dumb Rule #2: Be Sure to Exaggerate the Stakes

When explaining your reasoning for making your dumb decision make sure you up one side of the factors and neglect all the others. Oh and make sure it's dramatic while you're at it.
Use absolutes such as "always, never, and every time."

FWIW, when you use absolutes, you're absolutely wrong. Drama queen.

Dumb Rule #3: Devalue yourself

Throw every sense of your self worth out the window. Stop being strong, stop being independent. People will enjoy you a helluva lot more like this.

Look, we all make dumb decisions. I, for one, just made a HUGE one. I sit and tell myself that if I didn't do it, then I would have always "wondered." That alone, most likely, would have eaten me up inside. In my justification, I wouldn't have met some of the world's greatest people, and it definitely wouldn't have let me see some people for who they really are. I also wouldn't have almost died in the river, but that's a different story for a different day.

We're going to make many more mistakes, but that doesn't mean you lose your self worth. You chalk it up to experience. You continue to be fearless and strong. If anyone wants to question you, you just let them know that YOU were in control, and you knew what you were doing the whole time. No one will ever know the wiser. ;) Oh and "never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted."

Are you done being dumb yet?

T

Karma Truly Is A Bitch...And So Am I

Originally posted August 1, 2008 11:55 AM

…Or so I’ve been told.
I’ve experienced Karma first hand, and if you don’t believe in it like me, you may want to start…

Of course I have to input here that names have been changed to protect the innocent, but if they’re not really innocent do I have to? And who would really know if I didn’t change the names except for the players involved? Something to think about….I fell in love with this guy…I know, I know WTH???

We will all sometime in our life fall in love…or better yet, think we will. Hope perhaps? Well, I had the opportunity to actually experience this. I fell hard and fast. It was a whirlwind from the beginning. I was married, Chad was married and we eventually left our respective spouses for a chance to have a lifetime of total bliss. We completed each other. I thought I had found my soul mate. Every time Chad looked at me, my heart fluttered. His eyes lit up when I walked into the room and each time he kissed me, I got goose bumps. I remember as a little girl being told that you know you’re in love when the other person has all of these effects on you. I never thought it was possible because it had never happened in all of my 34 years of living, until Chad came along. The moment I laid eyes on Chad at the airport, my heart did a complete flip flop and it took everything I had to not jump into his arms right then and there. I can go on and tell you about the whole wild ride, and believe me I will divulge excerpts throughout this blog, so you’ll just have to keep reading…but for now, I will just say that what comes around goes around….Karma. Since I figured we had always claimed we had found “our last love” there would be no chance of anything else. Apparently “naïve” is written across my forehead even though I can’t see it when I look in the mirror. Chad and I recently ended our relationship…actually 2 weeks ago to be exact. He said I needed to get my life together which apparently is code for “this girl pinged me online and instead of telling her I had a girlfriend, I pinged back and a sexually provocative online chat ensued.” Yeah, so he ends it with me and immediately hooks up with Kelly on a business trip to San Francisco…. Nice. When I found out and confronted him, of course, he denied it. After much persistence on my part, he finally divulged that she was not the only one throughout our relationship. Even better. I was told that it was never when we were together, always when we were on a “break.”

Does anyone besides me hear Ross Gellar in the back of their heads?

Does it really matter if we were on a break? Our breaks were just a week here and there. Apparently long enough to go on a trip and screw a few girls. The funny thing about all of this is that the good ole Internet is exactly how Chad and I started communicating. MySpace to be exact. Then we began emailing, IM’ing, texting, than phone calls. 2 months later we were standing face to face at the airport I mentioned earlier. Let me back up a second here and tell you that we actually went to high school 17 years ago….Long story for a different blog post on a different day. I guess since I cheated on my husband, I deserved this. It came around and bit me back. The funny thing is I had lunch with my ex-husband, Doug, today. We’re still very good friends and have no problem discussing uncomfortable situations. Doug guessed all of the emotions I went through when I found out about the cheating almost to a tee. When my eyes filled up with tears, he just put his arm around me in that brotherly kind of way and told me that he was sorry and asked me if I wanted to have sex. I’M KIDDING!!!!! I’m just making sure you were still paying attention!!!! Seriously, he said time will heal and that it’s hard. I remember getting this same talk from my mom after my very first boyfriend dumped me for another cheerleader in the 7th grade, thanks Michael W. I need to focus… anyway, he offered his support with an added, “It wasn't too long ago I was in your shoes” and a wink. Smartass, but appreciated. A year and a half ago I put him right where I am standing now. Now I know what Chad’s wife went through and I feel awful. I have had to stop myself from picking up the phone to call and apologize to her. I should have known when he finally told me I wasn’t the first one he cheated on his wife with…I was just the one he fell in love with. As sadly as this sounds, and after all of the heartache over the past year and half, I wouldn’t have changed anything. No regrets. He has since moved on to greener pastures….Applications anyone?

T