Risky Business

Love this song
>T

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

This is my favorite poem. It's very challenging, yet comforting to me. I can go on to tell you how this poem effects me, but I will spare you the long diatribe. It runs parallel on so many levels.

Be yourself....your best self. We can do that perfectly.

T

It Only Hurts

Like I have said from the beginning, music is so much a part of my life. A girlfriend just called about her and her guy. I wanted to scream at her that this guy is NOT the one for her and NEVER has been. I have already expressed this to her in the past so there is no need to beat a dead horse. I think they are finally through and she is heartbroken. This song is for her. I'm here for ya!



T

Mad World

This is an awesome song...the video is a little different, but I liked it when I watched it for the first time today.

There are days when you're just going through the motions and nothing seems familiar to you. There are too many days when you seem to just be standing still and everything seems to be going on around you in a fast forward kind of way...
Don't let life pass you by. Grab hold of it. Grab hold of every opportunity and make the most of it. Tell your friends you love them more often. Make amends with the people you are on the outs with. Life's too short to be angry. Learn to love yourself, others do.
Especially me. ;)

T

The Man Song

For Ronnie and Geoff...Let the games begin.

OK...you have to listen to this...it's cute and funny. Enjoy! :)

Every Girl Wants...

To be kissed in the rain.

To slow dance (music optional).

To be a priority.

To take a romantic bath together.

To cuddle on the couch while watching a movie & take a nap together.

Little notes, text messages, calls, IM's, whatever, just some form of communication during the day letting her know that you're definitely thinking about her.

Rose petals leading to the bedroom.

Her hand to be held when you walk.

To be kissed on the tip of the nose.

You to whisper "I love you" in her ear at unexpected moments.

To be kissed passionately out of no where.

To be chased by the man she loves.

You to wipe away her tears and hold her tightly.

To be surprised with a trip.

To fall asleep in your arms.

You to bring her flowers for no apparent reason.

Your eyes to light up when she walks into the room.

To feel like she's the most important person in the world and you can't live without her.

To have an "our song."

To be the only one.

To stay in bed just a little longer than normal

You to make her laugh over nothing.

You to hold on to her just a little longer before she has to leave.

If you don't you may lose her to someone that will.

T

WHY I SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO WORK FROM HOME

Too many cushiony horizontal surfaces prime for nappage.

13 bowls of cereal, all within a two hour period.

Ellen.

Horizontal surfaces.

IMing w/ Dawn

Shower? Why?

Porn.

Have you seen how comfy my couch just LOOKS?

That box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch is GONE. And so is the second one.

DVR

The nap after catching up the DVR.

Too much time alone with two jars of Jif Peanut Butter.

The nap to recover from all the naps.

I can lie down underneath my desk and no one is going to know. No one.

Justin Timberlake.

Love, T

Through My Eyes

Written to my dear friend, Paul, in 2007

We have known each other forever...it seems...(or does it).....As we have reconnected through this lovely on-line haven, memories have flooded my mind...I can never remember any bad memories so I am assuming there weren't any... You have always been a wonderful, well-liked, caring person, it's no wonder you have a million friends and always seem to pick up a few strays along your way.

You have and always will be an awesome and dear friend...I love the way you look at life, most of all I love the way you capture it. You see ugly things and make them beautiful...you see beautiful things and capture them in ways no body ever could see imaginable...you have a gift, my love. I don't think you ever came into my office without a camera in your hand...if you did, it's only because you were in the middle of developing another great moment you had captured. You have given me pics of me I didn't even know you took. I think you even gave some to Micah, Trent, and the rest of the boys in the office to cut up and make fun of me with....oooh how college was fun with you around. How could I not have ever found you sooner? You drove me everywhere, except for the time I test drove that car and drove you around for the afternoon...Every time I left your side I kissed you...I didn't want it to be the last time I saw you...although looking at some of the pics that I have, I see YOU. Every newspaper picture, sports picture, cheer, Scrappy, me, whatever...I see YOU. The times you took me in the dark room just amazed me at what talent and precision you had. What patience and dedication, what pure talent you possessed. It got to a point where I could pick up the newspaper and I could tell if you had taken the picture without looking at the credit. I just knew I would see your name attached to some Time Life Picture of the Year....

I tried forever to find you after college....our lives take us down paths we never imagined that we would choose. It doesn't mean that we've given up...just a new journey to fulfill our lives...or does it?

I always said, I didn't care what I did, I just wanted to enjoy getting up everyday and go to a job I absolutely couldn't wait to get to...I had it for awhile, then things changed and it was just a job I went to....I'm in sales and part of me gets to do what I love to do most everyday....act. That's all it is...acting...

You're right, the work isn't ever done...you say you slave and slave, but after one big project only comes a bigger one...and you're back to the stress, working long hours, it only gets deeper and darker and you're sucked in. And life sucks the very essence of your soul until you say "fuck it" and walk away...

You are successful, you don't need material objects to make you happy, or to prove your success...just like we don't need stupid paper on the wall that tells how much money we spent on college. We don't need photographs to show each other how pretty we are...we already know this...it's a given phenomenon!! hahaha

I am not ashamed of you...I am so proud that you recognize your self worth. You recognize that maybe everything isn't as it seems and you're scared shitless of any change...Jump in the pool with me, my friend, the water is warm...

Your success is not measured in the amount of material objects you can see and touch, but by the fullness of your heart. 2 things to remember about "stuff"...You can't take it with you when you go and everything is replaceable...

You know more than what you think you know, my dear...you have a high opinion, but where is your self esteem? Where is the friend who used to lift my spirit after my arguments with Judy on how to run a fucking college paper? I know deadlines and I also know money...money is what gives us a deadline...and "if I want the whole damn paper to be in color, damn it I'll wait all night for these ads to come in!!" That's why I kicked ass and took names along the way...that's why I'm not in advertising anymore...

I KNOW you...I seriously KNOW you. You like Nascar, Bueno, beer, and naked photos of women...oh, that's taking naked photos of women...sorry. Who cares if the people around you start to know you? When did you start giving a damn to what people think? Who says good people don't deserve good things? Who said your degree had to match your job? We'd all be screwed!!! You're good at many things, you only give yourself credit for just a few...

Be open and honest with yourself...what makes you truly happy? Where will that take you in life? Can you take a step back and ask yourself this without compromising your values, ethics, and morals? What do you truly believe in? You need to start with believing in yourself. Like I do. I believe in you. I love you and absolutely adore you. You're an amazing person with uncanny wit. You make me laugh. You're a light and we all have dim days...You make me want to jump in that green Camaro, pull the top off and sing "Pour Some Sugar On Me" the whole way to Florida at high volume just to see you smile...because I would do it if you said the word....and if I had a green Camaro...

There are forks, my friend, you just have to know which path to choose, believe in yourself as you choose it, and know it was taken for a reason. Robert Frost knew what he was talking about...Leave your own trail...autograph your work...leave a legacy...have no regrets...

You are a good person...you have no idea how many of us strays that you have picked up along your journey that you have truly touched....It's through your eyes I have seen such beauty...

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philippians 1:3

Always,

T

This is for you Dawn

Because I'm a girl....and a hopeless romantic.

T

Does It Get Any Better?

Originally posted August 29, 2008

Lori and I got out and went biking this morning. I wanted her to get out of her slight slump and take out some aggression. We biked through Highland Park and I insisted on biking by Mike Modano's house (love him!) a total 7 miles round trip which is good since it's already 93 degrees.I got back home and there was an envelope sitting on the front porch at my dad's house. In it was a note that said, "Because we didn't finish our night last night. Meet me by the pool at Dragonfly at 8. I heard the iced tea is to die for. I hope all is well with Lori. ~B" and a room key.

When I said I wanted romantic did I expect I would get this? Never in a million years! I am loving every minute of it...who wouldn't?

All Summer Long

I know this was a big hit last summer...But I want to share a little song that seems to pick me up no matter what mood I am in prior to hearing it. This is the best song to listen to before you head out to do anything. You might as well stick a cd in and burn it so you can take it with you on the road. It always puts a smile on my face. Enjoy...I know I do.



T

T

Go Cowboys, Go! Go!

Originally posted August 28, 2008


Last night I met Brandon for the Cowboys game. We were about an hour late because of the school meetings I had and his dinner program he had to attend. About an hour into the game, my girlfriend, Lori, called and needed my help. She has just gone through a breakup and needed a friend. Lori has been there through A LOT with me and I knew there was no chance I was going to let her down....but then there was this boy....Didn't I say in a previous post that your girls will understand when you break a date with them to go out with a guy??? I turned to Brandon and all he said was "Go. She needs you." I was shocked! I kissed him quickly and was off to meet my girl. She was waiting for me at the edge of her driveway and she got into my car. "I need a drink and to laugh." You can always count on me for the latter part of that sentence. We left to go to Primo's to sit on the patio and have a couple of margarita's. I didn't let her discuss any issues that were bringing her down. We immediately ran into Big AL, a Dallas DJ, who bought us our first round of margarita's after several hugs. He introduced us to Brian from LA who became our instant companion the rest of the evening. Lori and I laughed until the wee hours of the morning. We got to the nitty gritty of things early this morning over coffee. I passed on some awesome advice that a very wise person passed on to me. I let her read some letters that I wrote that helped me in the process of it all. It conjured up some emotions for me, but I was able to help her understand the reasoning behind it all. My main advice to her was this:

Surround yourself with good people and they will help you come through. Time will heal all your heartache. Let go of any anger and resentment, otherwise, you're scarred with bitterness that you will carry forward. Remember what was good about that person. It's why you fell in love with them in the first place; hold that in your heart as you move forward.

Hugs all around.

T

Goin Old School Baby!

Originally posted in August 2008




Awww yeah. Going home from Susan's tonight this song came on the radio and it instantly took me back to 1991. I have to give a little shout out to my old alma mater, Saugus High School in Saugus, CA. Good times. This picture was taken less than a year ago...I just put it on 2 weeks ago and it still fits! Yeah baby! GO Saugus! GO! GO!

Okay, I'm done. :)

T

Greatness

This video is great! You HAVE to watch it! It will make you laugh and bring back some funny memories for you! Enjoy!



T

What I Want

A friend has told me that before I get into a new relationship, I need to take a step back and reevaluate what I truly want...I had NO idea where to begin, then today while talking with him the following spilled forward and I thought I would share with you....I am sure the longer I think about it more will come out, but for now...this is what I said. Tell me what YOU want out of someone, I'd love to hear it!


"I am a hopeless romantic, my dear, nothing can taint that. I still believe in the fairy tale that the guy comes to take care of the girl in time of need. That he doesn't break her heart on purpose. That nothing can break 2 hearts that speak to each other even over time, distance, torment, weather, guilt, or even death. I want someone to love me as much as I love them....to treat me with respect, to want to be with me every waking moment, call me throughout the day, love when I call them to just say hi, to take interest in what I do, to love that I take interest in what he does, to appreciate the small things, to make me laugh over nothing, to watch me when I walk away. To stand in the middle of a crowded room and just mouth the words "I love you" because were too far apart to hear. To brag to his friends that I'm his girl because he's proud to be with me. To want to show me off to whomever, to sneak into a bathroom at a function because we've been away too long and we can't live without each other for one more second...and because we live on the edge. I want someone to be proud of me and my boys. I want to cuddle up with someone on cold nights, relax under the stars side by side on the warm nights. Someone who knows what I want at certain restaurants that he doesn't have to call and ask before he brings it home. I want to be a priority and never guess at any moment if I truly am or not. I want someone who is successful and I don't have to worry about making ends meet or carrying them financially. Both salaries combined would make for easy living and great travel, and any other "extras" we want. You asked me what I want for my next relationship.... Right here and now you are getting it. I won't settle for anything less. I've been too far and I'm too old to reconsider and settle for anything but this. If someone can't give me these things...then I'm not willing to negotiate."

Never settle. Never. I just ended a relationship where I didn't get any of this. Apparently I was settling. Blind. Never again. I deserve to have what I want. So do you! Make sure you're getting what YOU want. And remember...I want to hear all about it!

T

Another Great Morning!

Originally posted August 28, 2008

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I keep having these mornings. I find myself having an awesome day thereafter. Who could ask for anything more? Yummm.

It was a late night last night with homework and "stuff." I had a bit of frustration over some technicalities that a little running and hits to a punching bag hanging in Doug's garage doesn't cure. This morning I was dragging a$$ getting out the door with the boys. I made my own coffee which rocks, btw, but finished that off a little too quickly and headed on over to Starbucks for another round. "Get to my house....be there in a few," crossed my phone. "What makes you think I want to come over?" is what I wrote back. "The door's unlocked," is all it said. Damn it! Brandon lives about 25 minutes away from where the boys go to school. It's pretty much all back roads through elaborate neighborhoods, matter of fact, I drove right by the neighborhood where the Jonas Brothers are moving to in Westlake next to where Brandon lives. He wasn't there when I pulled into his driveway. I felt awkward letting myself in without anyone there. It looked like B had made waffles for his girls that morning as I walked through the kitchen. I sat down on a bar stool and waited. I looked around and noticed how everything was immaculate and in perfect order. The paperwork for work was neatly stacked on the edge of the counter. His laptop sitting there with a notebook lying next to it with copious notes about the reps he oversees in the territory. I heard the front door open and he walked in and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I could smell him before he even reached me. "Isn't this a nice surprise." "Surprise, my a$$, you told me to be here." "I didn't know you would actually make it." He kissed my neck and proceeded into the kitchen to clean up. He was casually dressed in a t-shirt and pair of shorts. He was freshly showered and shaved. "I like this dress better than yesterdays." He nodded in my direction as he was rinsing off a plate. I blushed. I didn't know what to say. It's a dress that is probably too big for me, OK it IS too big for me in the chest. It ties in the front and criss-cross ties in the back. It shows off your back very nicely. It's made of satin and has a great design on it in brown, black, yellow and cream. It's comfortable. You know the kind I'm talking about...the kind you never want to take off and you could wear it all day then sleep in it at night? Perhaps I've gotten off track some here....

He grabbed my hand after his clean up and walked me to the bedroom. we laid on the bed and he scratched my back while I laid my head on his chest. We laughed about stupid stuff then he got quiet. He rolled me onto my back and looked me in the eyes. "What are you thinking?"

OMG, That look you're giving me is intense and I'm wondering why you're asking me this and, "I'm wondering what YOU'RE thinking!" "I'm just trying to figure out why I love you so much." Did I hear that correctly? I have horrific hearing loss and did I just hear....

"Brandon, we've known each other for how long? 4-5 years? We've been through a lot together and separately and we've helped each other through a lot. We've not talked for months then we run into each other here or there or we send a text or call and boom! we're right where we once were...you can't get that from anybody. We've always had an understanding of each other. It's awesome." Then he kissed me. Was that to shut me up or was it the moment? Whatever the case is, it didn't matter.

We have the Cowboys game later. Off to another great day!

T

Coincidence?

Originally posted August 28, 2009

My car finally arrived yesterday!!! I've been using my dad's truck which I have decided that I think I want something big for my next car purchase coming up in February...anyway, I left Brandon yesterday around 11 or so so that way he could accomplish some work. He headed off to Denton and I headed off to meet my driver. I waited and waited and....I get a call from Brandon,

"Hey you still drive that Nissan right?"

"Yessssss."

"Charcoal grey?"

"Yessssss."

"License plate such and such?"

"OMG Brandon, WTF? YES!"

"Yeah your driver is going through your stuff right now, I'm watching him."

"HOLY $#&^%$*&I%! ARE YOU F-ing KIDDING ME?!?!?"

"Darlin' you need to be making a few phone calls to find out what the hell is going on. I'll stand here and see if he takes anything."

WOW! Immediately I was on the phone with the owner of the company based in Chicago. CHICAGO? How are you helping me HERE????? He immediately picked up the phone with the driver while I heard the whole conversation. He was screaming at this guy trying to find out what the #*&^$^%@ was going on. I loved it. The owner was mortified that it was happening and knowing I had someone watching the whole thing made it all the better! No one in their right mind is going to take advantage of me or peruse through my things! JERK!

Coincidence that Brandon just so happened to be the one to call an hour after I left him? Umm, not sure, I think it's a sign. I'm glad I could make him late for a reason other than sheer delight.

Everything happens for a reason.

T

Good Morning!!!!!

originally posted August 27, 2008

"Still at home being lazy....u should be here giving me a reason to not go to work today," lit up my phone as I was driving the kids to school this morning. An instant smile spread across my face. I wrote back, "In school zone...are you trying to get me a ticket?" (You can't be on your phone talking or texting in a school zone in the great state of Texas....big, big, fines...HUGE!) "Then you better hurry your ass over here....I'll be waiting under the sheets." MmMmMmMm delectable. Funny thing is I was extremely tired this morning staying up late chatting with friends in the West. I quickly showered, threw on a little sundress, a little mascara, pulled my hair up in a clip with my side swept drama bangs tucked neatly behind my ear. A quick glance over in the mirror got my approval. I looked cute enough to meet one of my girlfriends out for lunch, but I never expected THIS!!! "Dropping the kids off at school, be there in a few." OMG!!! I haven't seen Brandon since he kissed me on the lips late Saturday evening standing in the rain. We've spoken daily since, but it's been chaotic with both of our kids having started school this week. We have plans to meet up Thursday evening after Curriculum night and a PTA meeting (isn't life sexy?) So we'll be a little late to the Cowboy game....if we make it at all! :) There's been something about this boy that has kept me smiling since I have been home.

Focus, T, Focus...

So away I went after I dropped the boys off to their respective classrooms and took care of some more paperwork in the office. A slight nod and gracious smile from the dad that walked into the office and stood behind me. I was practically skipping to the car!

I slipped into Brandon's house quietly and made my way back to his bedroom where I found him nestled under a sheet covering just enough to know what was there. He was on his back propped up on some pillows. I could see the outline of his obliques relaxed just lying there, and he had his laptop open next to him on the bed. "You better not be working." I said as I approached the bed. He slipped his left hand up the back of my dress and rubbed my leg all the way up to my lower back, "No panties?" Before I could answer he pulled me to him on the bed. He kissed me as I stabilized myself over him, his hand still up my dress. He rolled me over pulling the sheet out from between us. He sat back to look at me. He smiled as he pulled my dress up over my head. He took a long look at me from head to toe, "Beautiful." He grabbed my hands and held them above my head on the pillows as he leaned in and began kissing my neck. I turned my head so it could easily be achieved. After a few moments, I turned to look at him as he looked back and smiled then gently kissed my lips again as he lowered his body on top of mine....

Again, the beautiful moments that followed are genuinely mine. I'll let the details dance in your imagination. I will tell you that this boy has toe curling capabilities....

What a way to start my day!

T

Returning Home

Originally posted August 23, 2008 11:15 PM

I’ll be home in the morning” I text Brandon from the airport waiting to board. A few minutes later my phone vibrated, “What time will you be in? I’ll pick you up.” I smiled. “5:30, is that OK?” I sent to him. “I’ll be waiting.” Is what I got back. My body exhaled a huge rush of relief. I had been so tense the past 48 hours. I had been on the go. It wasn’t until I was waiting to get on the airplane that I noticed I hadn’t eaten in 2 days except for a bag of fruit snacks I had in my purse. I hadn’t slept either. I had been trying to arrange for movers, my car to get transported, and finish packing as quickly as I could. I was asleep in seat 4F, before the wheels left the ground.
I arrived at DFW at 5:37 AM. Even though I had slept on the plane, it was fitful. My body so desperately needed more. I came off the plane to see Brandon standing in baggage claim with his hands behind his back and that quirky smile he has. “Welcome home, darlin’ you look like shit.”

“Thanks for the warm welcome, where’s the band?” I replied.
“No band, just this” and he handed me a single hot pink Gerber daisy that he was holding in his hand behind his back. “And this,” as he planted a kiss on my forehead.

“Thank you.” I whispered as my body fell into his.

“Let’s get your luggage and get you into bed.”
“I’ve been home for all of 3 minutes and you’re already trying to get me in bed! Wow, what a record!” I laughed, but I knew he meant good.
“Baby doll, if I looked like you did, I would want someone to put me away for a long while. Plus you’re no good to Jake and Ethan when you’re this tired. What time do you need to get them?”
“I get them around 1. Doug just said for me to call.”
“Good. That gives us time to eat some breakfast. You look like you haven’t eaten in days.”
“I haven’t.” I whispered.

He grabbed my suitcases and we walked to the car. He opened my door and before he let me in he wrapped his arms around me and said, “I know its been rough. I’m not going to ask. In due time you will tell me everything. I’m here to help if you need it. I’m here for you.” Melt, melt, melt. My eyes filled up with tears, but I choked them back. “I know Brandon. You were the only person I called. Thank you…for everything.”
He threw my suitcases in the car and away we went for breakfast. I passed on La Madeleine and ventured for IHOP. Brandon was quite surprised at my choosing. I wasn’t really hungry and I didn’t want to not appreciate good food from La Madeleine. He understood. “You’re going to eat something.”
We sat down in the booth that the hostess walked us to. We giggled at the other patrons around us. We were probably the youngest by far. Brandon handed me a menu and said “Whatever you order, you will eat. We are not taking it home either.”

“Brandon, I’m not really hungry. I don’t have the desire for food.”
“I don’t care. For God sakes T, you’re wearing your skinny jeans and they’re loose on you!”
My eyes grew wider and a slight smile grew across my face. I played mischievous, “I don’t wear skinny jeans. I don’t own a pair.”
“Don’t play dumb with me. I know you. And by that smile that you tried to suppress, I know you know what I’m talking about. You are wearing those jeans you keep in your closet. The ones that when you gain a little weight, they’re your “goal” jeans. You know you have lost that added weight when you can fit into them again. Yes, I know you. And they’re too big in the butt and in your waist. For God’s sakes, T, they’re hanging below your hip bones!!!”

I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry and he didn’t know if he should hug me or slap me. So we just sat in silence for a second when I whispered, “I know.” We made small talk until our food came.
I devoured my chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, and Orange Juice without realizing it and Brandon just sat with his cup of coffee and watched. “Wow, for someone who wasn’t hungry, you sure put those away quickly. You didn’t even offer me a bite!” I smiled sheepishly. I didn’t realize I had eaten the whole thing. I had just kind of picked at it for awhile we talked about the kids and the start of the school year the upcoming week, football for my boys, & cheerleading for his girls. We talked about everything but my trip to Seattle and the events that unfolded there. Brandon paid the bill and we were off to his house.
It was about 6:45 when we pulled up to his house. I was dead asleep leaning against the door. He came around and slowly opened my door and unbuckled my seat belt. He scooped me into his arms and carried me into the house and to his bedroom. I stirred and he set me down so he could pull the bedding back for me to crawl in to. I started towards the bed and he stopped me. He grabbed my face and was about to kiss me. In the last second he pulled himself back and just kissed me on the tip of my nose. “I’m sorry. I know you’re not ready.” I wrapped my arms around him and said, “Thank you. Thank you for acknowledging that.” He rested his chin on the top of my head for a moment before he pulled away. “Get into bed and sleep.” I pulled off my jeans and standing there in just my t-shirt, he smiled. I crawled into bed and he wrapped the covers around me as he sat on the edge. “Don’t be afraid to ask for anything, T.” I closed my eyes and was out before I knew that Brandon had kissed my forehead again and slipped out the room closing the door behind him.
I woke when my phone vibrated on the nightstand next to the bed a couple of hours later. It was 11:30. Brandon had brought in my phone and my computer and plugged them both in. There was a glass of water and a small vase with my Gerber daisy sitting in it next to where I had slept. He poked his head in the door as he probably had done several times over the last couple of hours while I had been sleeping. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

“Hi.” I smiled.

“Need anything?” He was crossing the room towards me. “You were out.” I came through here several times and you never once budged.”

“I was tired.”

“Do you want to shower before you get the boys?” he said shaking his head yes as he was answering for me.

“Do I smell that bad?” I laughed.

He laughed and replied, “You have that ‘I’ve been up for hours upon hours and traveled 2000 miles’ smell.”
I pulled back the covers, “OK, OK. I’ll shower.” In the corner was my suitcase opened neatly. I turned and just smiled. No one has ever taken care of me quite like this. He has thought of everything. “I hope you know I’m not staying here, B.”
“I know, I just didn’t want you to have to dig something out of it in the car. So I brought it in.” He seemed kind of hurt by my sternness.
“Thanks. I appreciate you. I appreciate everything you have done here. You don’t know how much this really means to me right now.” Before I could gain composure I was trembling and tears were spilling from my eyes. I couldn’t stop. It was the release I knew was coming, I just didn’t know when. He crossed the room in perhaps 3 giant steps and wrapped his arms around me tightly. “SHHHH. Let it go, I didn’t mean to upset you this way. “ I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t say a single word. My heart was heavy and I just cried. I cried for all of the anger that was built up inside of me. I cried for all the frustration, I cried for all of the hurt and destruction, and I cried because I was simply exhausted.

I quickly showered and changed into my swimsuit, a t-shirt, and a pair of shorts. I threw my flip flops on and we were off to get the boys and head out to the pool. I could see Brandon looking at me while we drove to Doug’s. He would reach out and grab my knee and squeeze it and smile. “Everything is going to be OK. You’ll see. It can only get better from here, T.”“I know. I don’t want to think about anything today. I’m not going to worry til next week. I just want to relax this weekend. I promise I will tell you everything. My heart hurts right now and I don’t want to open it back up. I want to move on and let time do its thing. Can you understand that?”“Absolutely. We have all the time in the world.” Quickly changing the subject he asked, “You hungry?” I must have shot him the look from hell because he just laughed.

We got to Doug’s and the boys were immediately bounding out of the house and into my arms as I was just getting out of the car. I was so excited to see them and be “home.” Ethan was all chatter about something as he was tugging on Brandon’s shirt as we all walked to the pool in the backyard. Doug was lighting the grill to cook hamburgers and hot dogs. I offered to run to the store and pick up any “extras,” but Deven said they had everything needed. We swam and played for about 2 hours before the sun decided to duck in and out from behind the clouds. The storm clouds were gathering in the distance and you could smell the rain in the air. I love the rain storms in Texas in the summertime. I was excited. It became darker and darker and I made the boys get out. We ate and all sat around and chit chatted about nothing in particular. I was growing tired again and we all went inside to watch movies and perhaps nap on the couch. The boys lay on the floor while we watched Shrek the 3rd. It seemed kind of odd with Deven and Doug on one couch and Brandon and I on the other. Brandon and I lay at opposite ends from each other. I felt it only right in front of the boys. Brandon noticed the blisters that had formed on my feet from my move. How it happened, I have no idea, but I ended up with about 4 blisters on each foot. He tried bursting them, but they were too painful still so he just rubbed my feet instead. I was asleep instantly. We all slept. It was awesome.

It’s been an awesome first day home. I was anxious to get here. I was excited to see my boys. It hit home tonight when we were all outside in this torrential downpour. It was about 91 degrees outside and the rain began blowing in sideways. We were laughing and splashing each other and just having a great time. The 4 of us played this mock game of tag type touch football in the street at my dad’s house. We were having a great time when Brandon grabbed my arm and said, “They’re so excited you’re home. That you’re staying home and you’re not going back. You’re not going back are you?” He was almost yelling this because the rain was so loud and the kids were still laughing. “Jake has made such a big deal about you ‘coming home’ today. He made 2 comments tonight at dinner with Doug and Deven. I don’t know if you picked up on it.” He continued. “He doesn’t want you to leave. None of us do.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, “I’m not going anywhere for quite awhile. I promise.” We continued running, playing in the rain. We laughed so much at the silliness of it all. I felt a huge release of stress. I stopped because my sides ached from laughing so hard. I stopped to watch the boys dodge and duck from getting tagged. I smiled. Yeah, it was good to finally be home.

T

Get Away

Originally posted August 11, 2008 7:20 PM


There are times in your life when getting away is essential. I'm not talking about just taking a quick vacation, because you truly don't always get "away." I went to Mexico with my dad and my aunt back in April and I still took my computer. I blogged everyday about what went on. I even wrote a VERY provocative story that maybe one day I will post and let you read. It's HOT. I have a girlfriend that admitted to me that when she goes to Hawaii with her husband, she still checks her email on her phone when her husband goes in to take a shower! She works for Microsoft, but no job is that important to not get away once in awhile.
I got away on Friday and literally walked away from my cell phone, my computer, and even the TV. If only the kids could've stayed.....Nah! That would have been too easy. :) When you get out to the lake do you really need these items even if you did get connection? Not if you were with a delicious someone like I was. Remember the trench coat story a few days ago??? Well, like I predicted, he called....and invited me to his lake house. My kids, his kids, one big happy family. Not romantic enough for you??? I beg to differ.

When a boy wants you, he truly wants you. He makes it hard to keep his hands off you while the kids are around. There are a lot of group hugs so that he can just touch me. It's the subtle touches that make my heart flutter and want to rip his clothes off even more. While passing each other while I am making dinner he will drop his hand and let it graze across my hips as he passes by me on the way to the refrigerator. He pulls the hair out of my eyes and places it behind my ear because he thinks it's bothering me. He rests his foot on top of mine under the table while we eat dinner. The best is his way to sneak a kiss to the back of my neck while he stands behind me helping me wash the dishes while the kids play by the water during those last moments of sunlight. I also play a little part in this to help move things along....You know, not making my life vest tight enough so that he has to do it for me, forgetting a towel while I'm in the shower and he has to bring one to me....this one was a favorite. Of course he did the occasional untying of my swimsuit as he walked by me on the boat. That only made the kids laugh and try it themselves...

Sometimes you can just see it in the way he looks at you no matter where you are, what you are doing, or what you look like.

Because there was no form of communication to bother or distract us all weekend long, we were able to concentrate on our kids and each other. It was awesome.

Romantic is sitting on the deck in a swing looking at the stars on a warm Texa s night with my head in his lap while he just runs his fingers through my hair. It's late and all of the kids are down for the night. He makes me seem like I am the only one around. While although this is where he could have ripped my clothes off and thrown me down right there on the dock, he wanted nothing more than to just sit and talk and gently touch me. Okay, okay, so it wasn't until after midnight that he led me to the end of the pier and made love to me. I knew it would eventually happen; I just had to be patient. :)

T

Yesterday

This is one reason I absolutely love Spring!

A Timeless Classic

originally posted On August 8, 2008 4:25 am

I had therapy yesterday. RETAIL THERAPY! And I found the cutest little jacket, actually 3 of them...I have this obsession with jackets and the crazy thing is is that I live in TEXAS where we are in triple digit weather right now!!!! OMG! Before I get off track, I found this awesome silver trench coat complete with big buttons and a sweetheart neckline. It stops about 5 inches above my knees...anyway, I thought I would have to hang it up until the weather turned a little cooler until tonight; I put that bad boy into good use!I will go ahead and go on record as saying that every girl needs a cute little sexy trench coat in their wardrobe! I wrapped my body up in my new coat and showed up at the door of a "friend." He was surprised to see me shortly after he arrived home from his dinner program. He invited me in and asked to take my coat. I untied and unbuttoned it and let it fall open only to reveal the new matching lingerie I also bought while at therapy. I could tell he liked what he saw by the fact that his jaw had hit the floor and all he could do was stare. This is the exact look that I was hoping for. A little goes a long way. In perfect rhythm he scooped me up and took me to his bedroom.

I'll spare you the details even though I want to spill them in full!

He wrapped his arms around me and we fell asleep. Somewhere around 3 AM I got up and left. Yes, you heard me correctly, I LEFT.

Dating Rule #1: Never stay the night. It will always make them want you more. I don't care if you are drunk or live far away, call a taxi, call a friend, whatever, always leave them wanting more. If you're still there, then write him a delicious little note. I left it next to the coffee pot where I prepared it to go off for him at 6:30 when he gets up. Trust me, he'll call.

IMHO, you're as sexy as you want to be. Always leave a little tease; he'll be calling you wanting more. Now, go make me proud! Enjoy.

T

Sleeping to Dream

Originally posted August 7, 2008 2:24 AM

I'm finally tired. Funny how this is coming to you so early in the morning. If you notice my other posts, they usually are later than this. I haven't slept well for the past year...it could even be longer than that. I am just getting home from a fabulous night with one of my dearest friends, BH. After dinner we went back to his place to get caught up from the many months of neglect. The one thing you have to know about BH is is that he is one of those friends that you pick up almost exactly where you left off no matter what the time has been that has elapsed between takes. The scary thing about this boy is that he can pin point me to a T. I sat on his kitchen counter while he drilled me on the ins and outs of my life and the "dumb decisions" I made the past year and half. He made me lay it all out on the line. At one point it got heated and I asked why he was so damn persistent. He replied, "Because I'm the one who cares, the one who doesn't judge you." Wow. He actually pulled me into his lap and held me while I told him some pretty uncomfortable realities. There's nothing sexier than a guy who truly takes charge and takes care of you while making you admit your darkest moments, then he wiped my tears. BH and I go way back and I'm thankful for the friendship we share. Ladies, he's taken...unfortunately.I'm finally tired. Funny how this is coming to you so early in the morning. If you notice my other posts, they usually are later than this. I haven't slept well for the past year...it could even be longer than that. I am just getting home from a fabulous night with one of my dearest friends, BH. After dinner we went back to his place to get caught up from the many months of neglect. The one thing you have to know about BH is is that he is one of those friends that you pick up almost exactly where you left off no matter what the time has been that has elapsed between takes. The scary thing about this boy is that he can pin point me to a T. I sat on his kitchen counter while he drilled me on the ins and outs of my life and the "dumb decisions" I made the past year and half. He made me lay it all out on the line. At one point it got heated and I asked why he was so damn persistent. He replied, "Because I'm the one who cares, the one who doesn't judge you." Wow. He actually pulled me into his lap and held me while I told him some pretty uncomfortable realities. There's nothing sexier than a guy who truly takes charge and takes care of you while making you admit your darkest moments, then he wiped my tears. BH and I go way back and I'm thankful for the friendship we share. Ladies, he's taken...unfortunately.

T

Turning Out the Lights

Where to start….This phrase has so many meanings…every one of us can hear this phrase or has at one time said it; it’s meaning personal to the individual. Most people refer to “lights out” as just that, turning out the lights. Some refer to this phrase pertaining to death. I, on the other hand, have deep connection to this phrase. Let me explain…
Turning out the lights to me is finality. It’s like finishing a book. There’s a connection deep within me that literally clicks when I turn off the lights. Not every time. When something is going on in my life, there comes a moment when I will feel it. It’s kind of my body saying, “This is done, this is complete.” I always notice it when I leave for a trip. I always clean my house so that way when I return I have nothing extra to do but unpack. All beds are made, the floors are vacuumed, the trash is taken out, the dishes are put away, the last thing to do is turn out the light. As I do it, it’s a satisfaction and personal feeling that “all is done here.” You may see me as some total whack job at this point, I don’t care, it’s just me.
So much has gone on in my life the last 10 months or so. How I have not broken or been admitted into the funny farm is beyond me. The night is still young, I suppose.
It’s Easter weekend and I flew home to see Ethan. He’s my 7 year old fire ball. He is funny, entertaining, resilient, and full of life. He shares deep love for sports and a great dancer. He is my “E.”

E did not move with me to Seattle. I have been called a bad mother for this decision. What the outside doesn’t know is that Ethan has a speech development issue. He has been in the same speech program for the past 3 years. Doug and I thought it best for him to finish out his program this year then move to Seattle with me. We thought if we up and moved him in the middle of the year, it would not help his progression, and perhaps, put him 2 steps back. Moving and the adjustment is already hard on kids. Putting him into a new program, reevaluating his progress, and developing a plan done in a different state would prohibit his growth even if it was temporary. He didn’t need that extra stress. I made a huge sacrifice that pulls at my heart every day. I moved to Seattle for a job, but also what led me to search for that position in another state was that guy who had come back into my life promising me a lifetime together. No matter how hard I fought going through the emotions and suffering I did the first 2 times, I still managed to stop listening to my head and continued to only listen with my heart. My sacrifice away from Ethan was only to be temporary. Every day I had to tell myself that. I still do.
You don’t understand the heartache unless you have been in this same position. As a mother, it is hard. I miss out on his everyday accomplishments. I miss out on sitting with him after school and reading with him, working on his homework, watching him go and play. I miss out on watching his new discoveries. I miss out on wiping away his tears and calming his fears. I miss out on baseball, basketball, and swimming. I get to hear about everything and see things through pictures, but it’s not the same.

I can build up the resentment towards the person who brought me to Seattle and decided he didn’t want to be a part of my life anymore. Resentment only calluses your heart and I refuse to harden. I have loved thoroughly and completely in my life and regret nothing because it was exactly what I wanted at the time. Things, unfortunately, didn’t work out as planned and I have been extremely hurt. Time doesn’t wait for me to break down or feel sorry for myself; life goes on, regardless if I am ready for it or not.

Today is Easter. I’m home…in Texas. No matter where I live, this will always be called home. The time elapsed can be great and when I return to Texas, it just wraps its arms around me and welcomes me back no matter the circumstances. I leave today to go back to Seattle. It’s hard to walk into the other room with my family having brunch. I’m packing my suitcase. I’m packing E’s things to take back to his dad’s house. I stand there remembering the conversation from last night…While putting him to bed, we laid on his pillow being silly; laughing over nothing. Then he turned serious as I got up. He asked, “Do you have to go back to Seattle tomorrow?”
I sat on the edge of the bed and quietly said, “Yes.” Then I added, “Would you like to go with me?”
“I have to finish school and speech first.” He stopped and then looked at me and finished, “Can I come in May?”
Choking back tears, I stood up and said, “You can come whenever you want.”
He smiled and rolled over. I leaned over him and kissed his cheek then I turned out the light.

I keep telling myself it’s just temporary, but the heartache continues. I’m gathering last minute items from the bathroom to shove them into my suitcase. I took a long look into the mirror as the tears spill down my face. Why I put makeup on today I will never know. I’m so angry at where I am right now in my life. I am angry because I made decisions that put me here. I’m angry as the life I had planned out 3 months ago is no longer the plan and I don’t have one. On the other hand, I thank the person responsible for bringing me to life 2 years ago. I sat down and quickly shot a quick email thanking him. It was Easter 2 years ago I was giddy with excitement. I hadn’t been that alive in so long. I explained that Easter was a celebration of life; he was responsible for bringing that spark back into my world. There was nothing more to really say. It was simple. It was quick. It was sent. It was time to go. I closed my computer, took one last look in the mirror, and simply turned out the light.

WTH????

Why in the world does anyone in their right mind wear Crocs? Dear Lord! There are only 2 reasons for wearing these hideous contraptions: You work in the medical industry as a doctor, nurse, technician, medical assistant, etc., the other exception is you are gardening. There is no other reason as to why you should be caught in public wearing these monstrosities, unless you’re a gnome, or the Travelocity guy, which I think is a gnome…I digress.
I was in the Seattle airport and they actually have a whole shop dedicated to these hideous accoutrements. WTH??? They have them in every shape, color, and size! Holy Crap! There is no reason why these ghastly rubber duck (I can't even put them in the same category as shoes) creations should be considered fashionable, made to be worn in public, or cute in any form or fashion. I don't care what age, size, shape, color, religion, sex you are...Right here and right now I am saving you from horrible fashion decisions. Just don't do it. You'll thank me later.

The Holidays

It's been 6 months since I last saw him smile. I moved home in the summer of '09 after a good run at what we thought would be forever. Maybe it was just MY thoughts....MY forever. I'm the one who always saw past tomorrow, he on the other hand, at times couldn't see past the 12th hour. Sitting in my chair I paused to think, "He never could prioritize his stress." My girlfriends had all heard the story for the thousandth time; I was tired of telling it. I had long stopped crying, I had long stopped being angry. I was just settling into my life again. I had done it once before, everything now seemed routine, I was just older and so were the boys. Jake was now in the 5th grade and he had grown 3 inches taller over the summer and into the fall. He had finished his first year on the Wildcats playing football. Ethan had blossomed into an articulate 3rd grader who could outrun his older brother on the football field, soccer field, or up the street for a ball that was wildly pitched. I enjoyed sitting on the porch in the warm summer nights with a tall glass of sweet tea "easy ice" watching the boys play a rough mock of flag football which ended up tackle. I quit yelling long ago when I moved home. I seemed to have lost time while I was gone and time was most precious to me to yell anymore. I felt old and tired at times. My hair was long once again, but still not as thick as it used to be. That summer seemed to turn quickly into fall and quickly to winter and I was now facing Christmas. I had gotten through 2 birthdays, Halloween and Thanksgiving when the loneliness truly struck me. The boys were off at Doug's for the evening. I wandered through the house. It seemed so large and vacant without the noise of two rowdy boys to fill it. My heart had been empty since the day I left. I completely had removed all items that resembled our past. I knew if I had to cut him out of my life all together, I had to completely remove all mementos of him and of us. He hardly called that summer. At first it hurt not hearing from him, begging me to return to him, to us. Perhaps that hopeless romantic in him was never truly hopeless or romantic or both. There was one picture remaining. I couldn't bring myself to replace the photo in the frame like all of the others. It took me back to the time where we were hopelessly in love, forgetting the reality around us, holed up in a hotel with just each other not caring what truly went on outside of our room. Looking back, I don't think we even thought time existed...it simply stopped. "God, you were so foolish." I thought to myself the day I decided to leave it hanging on the wall. Tonight as I walked through the house, I felt the coldness sift through windows and the doors. I was wearing my favorite jeans hanging low on my hips and a long sleeve t-shirt that kept falling off of my right shoulder. I had lost 22 lbs in the past 6 months and although I was over my heartache, I couldn't put the weight back on. I slipped on another pair of socks and a sweater and stood looking out the window at the storm clouds that were gathering. I was so lost in thought that I jumped when the phone rang. "Hi mom, we're just calling to tell you that we love you!" I heard E say. "I love you too! Is everything OK?" Jake grabbed the phone and said, "Hey mom, um, can you make sure you bring cookies for our class party tomorrow? Are you going to be there?" After much reassurance I hung up the phone. I went outside and started a fire in the fireplace. I sat in front of the fire with a warm cup of apple cider while the wind picked up around me blowing the leaves in little eddies at my feet. It was at this moment I noticed I started to sweat. Perhaps I had been sitting too close to the fire. I extinguished it and went back inside. I never thought I would feel alone as I do now. I look around and notice I didn't plug in the lights to the tree. It didn't seem like Christmas this year. I wouldn't have the boys. I was going to be alone. I didn't feel like going to my dad's and acting chipper for the rest of the family it seemed I only saw at holidays. I couldn't explain the pain in my heart to anyone. Only one person would understand and he had forgotten about me 2 years prior late in August. "We never fully recovered from that time," I heard myself say out loud. I made myself quickly displace that thought as quickly as it entered my head. I hadn't wrapped a single gift for the boys and I noticed the stockings seemed lifeless as they hung by the fireplace. I tried to spruce them up a bit while I hummed a Christmas carol out loud. Even though I was still sweating I was cold. Oh my God, am I coming down with the flu? I ran and got the mail before it started to rain and that's where it was...my first communication from him since August. I could tell before I opened it that it was a Christmas card. I threw it on the counter as if it had vehemently bitten me. I thought about throwing it in the trash, but was curious to know what was written inside. He'd always been an eloquent writer, he's probably pouring out his heart to me. I picked it up and carried it to the bathroom where I filled up the bath. I flipped the card, still unopened, through my fingers while the water filled the tub. I wanted to relax and warm up before I opened the card. I undressed and slowly slipped my body into the warm water and bubbles. I took a long breath and the tears began to stream down my face. I missed him. I had missed him for 2 years. From the moment he sent me home in August of 07 he never returned to me whole heartily. He was disconnected and scared. He protected himself but never revealed himself from behind those high walls. I was holding on tightly to a ghost. I wanted so badly for him to love me unconditionally, but he never could. I jumped up out of the bath and ripped open the envelope. There stood a small Santa Claus at the top of a hill holding with one hand a Christmas tree that he was pulling towards him...the other hand was holding a star that he was trying to place on the top of the tree. I held my breath as I opened it. The inside of the card said "Hoping your Christmas is Merry and Bright" at the bottom of the card he had simply signed "CP." I wanted so bad to hate him, but I couldn't. I did for a couple of months, but I couldn't anymore. I slipped back into the tub with a million thoughts and questions running through my head. I was sweating profusely and I felt sick to my stomach. I wondered what he was doing and if he was still living in our house. Does he ever think about me? Why in the hell did he not write anything else? I felt privileged to even get a card or that he knew my address, but I wanted more. My expectations had always been shot back down to reality with him. I could never live the fantasy with him because he was too scared and weak to hand himself completely over to me. He simply disappeared into his work, his kids, his ex and never me. I waited for the day to come where all of his problems and stress went away, but he continued to create more stress for himself and never made the time for me or for us. I miss the days where we made love on a daily basis. It slowly slipped to 5 times a week to 3 than hardly at all...I quit asking why. I quit fighting, I quit crying. It simply didn't matter anymore. I could no longer stand by him and just be a statue that ran the household. It wasn't my personality and I was slowly dying inside. As hard as I tried, I would never be his #1 girl.

I remember that fatal night vividly. I was standing in the kitchen making dinner when he came home from work that night. The boys were off down the street playing basketball at a neighbor's house. They were getting ready to go to Texas for the summer. School had just ended. It was a mild, overcast day. I had left work early because my mind had been racing about the situation that was hanging over me. I would give the old college try one more time and then go from there. Surely he knew what was going on. Perhaps he was just in a funk and needed to snap out of it. Maybe we needed a vacation just he and I. The idea of another woman had crossed my mind long ago, but all of the signs and symptoms weren't the same as when he fell in love with me. I figured since he didn't have time for me, he didn't have time for anyone else. He came in through the garage, dropped his keys onto the key holder. He walked over to the bar stool where he plopped down his backpack and went to the fridge for a drink. He was wearing jeans and black pique polo. It was a Thursday evening and the boys were leaving in 2 days. I stood in the corner of the kitchen next to the stove where I was making his favorite dish: burritos. He came over and gave me a limp kiss on the cheek his lips barely touching my face as he popped a chip into his mouth. "Smells good," he said without even looking in my direction. I could have been a completely different person standing there and he never would have noticed. This was my private hell. I couldn't stand it anymore and asked what was wrong with him. He said, "nothing, why?" If he had a paper in his hands I swear he would have opened it and continued the conversation while reading the headlines. I hated the fact that he had morphed into something he never said he wanted to be. We had once been so close, so in love, and now we were standing 3 feet from each other but it felt like miles between us. I had fought so long and so hard for something and someone I believed in...someone who once loved everything about me, but slowly turned his head day by day until he simply quit looking my direction. I was a warm body when his girls weren't around. I was someone to keep the house immaculate, put dinner on the table, and have a date to any work related functions where it was expected to bring your spouse. We hardly laughed anymore and he never noticed when I touched him. I longed for the old CP. He lit up only for his girls. Time seemed to stop for them. The rest of us became obsolete. He just quit loving me that August. When I approached him with my concerns, he looked right through me. He was quiet for a good 5 minutes. He was staring out past the balcony. His jaw was clenched and I could see his temples twitching. He was adamantly thinking about what I had just brought to the table. I couldn't tell if he was carefully choosing his words or if he was digesting my revelations. He turned to me and said, "If you don't like it, get the fuck out. Isn't that what YOU said to me a couple of years ago? Only I'm not kidding." He than grabbed his backpack and headed down the hall to his office where he closed the door. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen trying to wrap my hands around what the hell just transpired. I was just trying to get our life back on track. I so wanted it to be the way we dreamed it would be. I immediately started hating fairy tales and everyone who read them out loud to little girls at night before they drifted off to sleep. I was still standing there in the middle of the kitchen when the boys raced in with raging appetites. I had them sit at the table where they each devoured 2 burritos and part of a salad. I had barely touched any food on my plate and he still was in his office. After dinner the boys went back outside to jump on the trampoline while I put the dishes away and did more of their laundry before their trip. I sat and wrote them letters that I would tuck into their suitcase only to find them and read them later in the quiet of their rooms at their dad's. It was long past 11 when he emerged from the office. I had kept his dinner in the oven just in case he was hungry. The boys had long showered and gone to bed. I was still awake reading a book in bed until I could fall asleep. I remember reading the book, but not comprehending a word on the pages before me. He walked into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed. It was the side farthest away from me and I knew he wasn't going to say anything good. For the first time in his life he was struggling to find the words. He simply put his head in his hands and began to sob. I crossed the bed in one simple motion and wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. Was he back? Were these the flood gates that I had been waiting to open for so long? I didn't care, he was allowing me to hold him and he was finally expressing emotion. He pulled back and looked me in my eyes and said he couldn't do it. He didn't have it anymore. He had hurt someone 2 years ago and never recovered. The memory of the night standing in the Barnes and Noble parking lot came flooding back to me. I had heard these words before in another time and place, yet they were back to haunt me. I felt my heart jump to my throat. It was suffocating me to speak. Once it had fallen to my stomach, I let go of him completely and utterly numb. I don't know if he ever said another word to me, I no longer could hear a single word spoken. I got up and walked to my closet and pulled out my suitcase and began packing; I was leaving and going with the boys. My head was racing with a million things to do lists. As I rushed around the room trying to get things organized I hardly noticed that he still sat on the edge of the bed with both of his hands together his forefingers resting against his lips. He had no idea I was even there he was deeply engrossed in another world. We both eventually went to bed. I couldn't sleep at all and remember reaching out to touch his back like I always had. I heard a faint moan of pleasure. It brought a small smile to my lips as I rolled over realizing this would be our last night ever in the same bed. He never said a word to me over the next 36 hours. I was hoping for a "stay," a "don't go," or even an "I'm sorry." I didn't get a single word. He stood there at times just staring in a zombie like state. Not at me, but at what I don't know. I had a taxi come and get the three of us early Saturday morning. I had written a long letter to him and placed it in his journal. It was the same journal that I had given to him on his 34th birthday. He hardly wrote in it, but carried it with him religiously. I left a detailed sheet of what to do with my personal effects and also the boys things. I tried to hide my emotion as we pulled away from the curb. Jake grabbed my hand and told me he would be back like all of the other times. In my head I wanted to believe him, my heart knew better. I noticed him draw the curtain back from our bedroom window. Since I hadn't slept there the night before he had no idea when I was actually leaving. The suitcases were packed and ready by the door the night before we just had to grab them and go. As the taxi pulled away from the curb I forced myself to stare straight ahead and to not look back...not even for one last time. I vowed to never look back from that point forward.

Now he was forcing me to look back. I still had the card in my hands. It was soaking wet from the bath. I couldn't control the tears and I sat there and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. After awhile I composed myself and retired from the tub and into my silk pajamas. I called Dee Dee and asked if I could swing by the Dr. Trotter's office for some Tamiflu samples. She said she would have Trotter run a flu test, but yes, she would set aside a few samples for me in the morning. I walked to the closet and pulled out a box. I got into bed and opened the lid. There before me was every letter, every card, every room key, every note, every picture, every little thing that we shared between us all in that box. At one point back in August I had thought of burning everything, but just couldn't pull myself to do it. Why can't I do this??? I knew why and it was a reason I needed to further bury deep into my soul. I just wanted to be loved, to be important in someone’s life. To be touched the way a man touched a woman when they loved each other deeply. I never realized that one day it would be gone without a reason, without an explanation, without any regard. I sifted through the pictures laughing at some, crying at others, but simply smiling on the inside. The pictures were constant in the beginning and then they slowly minimized to special events only. I still deeply loved a man who couldn't love me in return. I hadn't looked at a man since the day I returned from there. I stopped longing to be loved because I knew I didn't want anyone but him, that he was not ever coming back to me, and no one could fulfill the emotion I kept vigil in my heart. I fell asleep somewhere around 3 in the morning. I woke feeling worse than the night before and dragged myself into the Dr's office. I chatted with Dr Page who candidly told me I looked like shit with his quirky smile. Dee Dee worriedly stuck me in a room and scurried off to find Trotter. She came back with a few vials to retrieve blood, swabbed my throat and gave me a cup to get a sample. I asked her if she wanted my first born child thrown in there as well. Trotter came in and asked immediately about my weight drop. I told him the story of my life in a quick 60 second run down. He still was concerned. We talked a little more while he did the usual lung check, lymph node check, throat, eyes and ears. He sent me home with my samples, but told me to stay close just in case. I went home and returned to bed. I slept until 6 PM that evening. I didn't have the energy to get up for food. I called Doug and told him to keep the boys until I had the samples in my system for over 24 hours because I didn't want the boys to get sick before the holidays. Doug informed me that I had missed their party and that Jake was devastated. I felt completely horrible on top of feeling completely horrible. "Please tell him that I am sick and have been in bed all day." My energy was fading fast so I excused myself and hung up the phone. I woke the next morning to a phone call from Trotter's office asking me to come in. I pulled a jacket over my PJ's, brushed my teeth and put on some shoes and went into his office. Dee Dee was waiting for me at the front and took me into Trotter's office and sat me down. She said he would be in in a second and walked to his phone and paged him. She sat next to me and stared at me. "You're freaking me out, Dee Dee, stop staring at me. I know I look beautiful, but holy crap you're giving me a complex!" I was trying to sound upbeat even though I was feeling miserable. Trotter walked in and sat on the edge of his desk. He must be busy I thought. He looked me right in the eyes and told me I didn't have the flu. "This is the worst cold ever cause it's kicking my ass!" I said still trying to be upbeat. I knew there was something else because a Dr doesn't call you in to tell you that you don't have something. They don't take you into their personal office to tell you good news. "I'm sending you to a specialist to run a battery of tests. I'm sending you to UT Southwestern where they are working and experimenting on the latest drugs. I'm sending you to the very best, because I care about you." "Fucking spill it to me Trotter. You and I have always been straight and candid with each other, don't stop that trust now." I stated. I could feel myself sweating and getting heated from the rush of anger that was building inside of me. "You have chronic myelogenous leukemia. By your cell counts it is in late stages of progression. A specialist will be able to tell you more. There are drugs they are experimenting with, chemo and radiation treatments, but your best bet is to find a bone marrow donor." I sat there speechless. The same heart sick feeling I had back in Washington came rushing back to me. I couldn't choke out the words. I felt my body get 300 lbs heavy, or so it seemed. Trotter continued, "I know you're adopted so you narrow your options of donors from your family. We can start testing your kids, but it's very painful and I don't know if you want to put them through that. We're here for you to help you in any way that we can. Do you want me to call Doug?" The only person I wanted to call wouldn't care anyways. I called Susan. I called my dad. I sobbed when my dad answered, I couldn't get the words out, Trotter had to take the phone and tell him. I drove the 2 miles home after I had convinced Dee Dee and Trotter that I was OK and I wasn't going to drive my car into the nearest brick wall. My dad met me at the house. I broke down and uncontrollably sobbed. What was I going to do? There was no cure. My best hope was to get a transplant, but most likely would sit at the bottom of a donor list. I wanted to go and get my boys, hug them and never let go. All I could think of was that stupid t-shirt you see high school kids wear: Life is football, the rest is just details. Except mine would say Life is Cancer, the rest is just details. Over the course of the next few days I went through a battery of tests. I had no energy and the days went by in a blur. The boys were emotionally drained, but I tried to stay positive as best as I could. Susan asked me if I wanted her to make any phone calls. I was screaming yes on the inside, but "no, I'll be ok" is what came out. The prognosis was grim and I was further along then what anyone had imagined. As each day went by, I grew weaker and frailer. My kidneys went first. I began to have numbness in my joints and often couldn't get out of bed. I hated the boys to see me this way, but I didn't want a day to go by without them. Christmas was cancelled in my family because no one felt like celebrating. I tried to encourage everyone to go on as usual but they all refused. Doug had taken the boys to a movie so I could sleep that Friday night. I had been in bed for the past 3 days too weak to move. A catheter had been inserted to prevent accidents. I was heavily sedated when he sat by my bed and grabbed my hand. I slowly opened my eyes to see who my visitor was. His cheeks were tear stained and I could tell that he too had lost weight. I tried to smile, but my limpless body couldn't move. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and as I tried to focus I saw the back of Susan slip from the room. She had practically moved in to care for me. As I refocused on him, he laid his head on my chest and silently wept saying he was sorry, repeatedly. I just laid there and let him speak. I was too weak to try and I had said everything I wanted to long ago. He stated that he didn't know why he withdrew. He said he first withdrew by spending so much time staring out of the window in Bellevue. He tried to live like a recluse during those difficult days when I wasn't around. It was during that time he built his wall higher. The guilt ate at him. He was torn between loving so many people. He was afraid to fall again and get hurt, he didn't know how to separate his emotions equally; he kept going on...I raised my hand and whispered for him to stop. I didn't want to hear the excuses. Looking at him my feelings of love for him all came rushing back in one big emotion. I was beyond crying because life was too short to feel sorry for myself at this point. I wanted him to know I was OK and he need not carry this burden with him forever. He said the past few months were hard for him to walk around the empty house with my ghost following him into every room. He sold it and moved into the corner condo we used to stare into in Bellevue. He told me he was not leaving my side and was going to take care of me, make me healthy. Susan had tried to explain to him in the car from the airport that I wasn't going to get better. There was no match for a donor. This was it and it was only a matter of days. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and stroked my hair as the tears fell from his face. I slipped in and out of sleep, but was glad to see him each time I opened my eyes. He was holding the Christmas card he had just sent 2 weeks prior to him sitting there. It was weathered and crunchy and you couldn't see his signature anymore. I explained between short breaths about the bath. He crawled into bed and curled up next to my lifeless body. Recounting every last detail of our relationship being so vivid as if he had just watched a video recounting every daily moment we shared. I tried to muster laughter, but didn't have the strength so I simply smiled. He explained that he was going to be tested in the morning to see if he was a match. I told him he most likely was not. He cursed me for being a fatalist which brought another smile to my lips and he cursed me for not seeking any treatments. He reminded me that I had never been known to stop fighting for something I believed in. I didn't want to waste time being sick from drugs, dependent on others when I went through the gut wrenching side effects. I didn't want my kids to see me in that horrific manner. I wanted at best to be left in bed on the days that I couldn't walk, lying there peaceful and serene. He touched the wet washcloth to my forehead to wipe away the sweat. He pulled the blankets tighter around me to keep my body from shivering. He kissed my hand, then my cheek, then my lips. He whispered "I love you Terri Wilhelm, I always have." as I drifted in and out of sleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night he drifted off to sleep with my box lying next to him and our pictures scattered all over us. He had lay in bed with me and read every email between us and every instant message conversation that night long into the early morning hours recounting our affair and the love that spawned from it. At 7 AM Susan came and woke him to take him to the hospital to see if he was a bone marrow match. He was curled up against my body with his head resting on my chest. He lifted his head and said, "Today is the day I am going to make you better. I'm going to be your hero; I'm going to save you." He kissed me gently on the lips as to not disturb my sleep. Then he began to sob...at that moment he knew I was gone. He knew by just looking at me. I had a peaceful smile on my face. I had died somewhere in the middle of the night listening to him relive our life together. I had simply fallen asleep with the man of my dreams. The one I longed for, the one that finally came back for me. He wanted me to make him my last love; I hope he knew that he was.

T